So, I heard through many different sources that meditation will help you deal with stress, which in turn will help you to be healthier, because we all know stress sucks. The lady on the Internet said to think of a word and use it as your mantra, so I picked baby elephants, which technically is two words but if you say them really fast no one will know.
I had the mat, dressed comfortably, and tried to get one leg on top of the other, like they show in the instructions and videos. Now I might have been able to pull this off at say, even 29, but 51? That leg is not going on top of that other leg. Neither leg likes it. They started having a leg war all on their own and I had to yell stop to get them to stop fighting. NOT. Peaceful. Not conducive to good health.
I conceded and just crossed my legs. I put my hands in the proper position, fingers closed and hands facing upward and quickly checked the clock. 10:00 a.m. I could so do this.
Eyes close. Begin the mantra chant.
“Ohhhhhhmmmmm,errrrrr,babyelephants, babyelephants, babyelephants, I wonder why we can’t have baby elephants in our town. they have everything else. We should try to repeal that law and Aughhh babyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephants I bet #Ellen has baby elephants in her backyard. And I bet Santa Barbara isn’t zoned for elephants but I bet they let her keep them because she’s Ellen and….I mean babyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephants.”
eyes open slightly to see clock. 10:02. Dismal.
eyes open to see it is still 10:02. The clock must be broken! Did it need batteries? I bet #Ellen had batteries. She probably had a whole pantry full of batteries and nothing ever ran down and started beeping in the night, forcing us up to sweep the house ninja style with a flashlight, looking for flashing red lights that synced with the extremely loud beeping If we had batteries like #Ellen–well, this would not solve the problem because we would still not know where the blasted one was that was going off, so we were doomed to eternal random BEEEEEP BEEEPPPPS when you least expected it, like when you were supposed to be med i t a t i n g. Oh yeah. “Babyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephansbabyelephants”
eyes open to check the clock. Just a peek. 10:04?? That Internet lady must have been wrong, because this was not working. “Close eyes and chant. Babyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephants”
No, I was not looking at the clock. There is something on the wall. It’s black. It’s a spider. A SPIDER. A SPIDER!!! I cannot close my eyes now, because everyone knows in the spider rules if you close your eyes and do not watch the spider closely, the spider will disappear and you have to stay awake the rest of your life because you don’t know where the spider went. It is not good to not know where the spider went. The only other alternative is fumigation, and that stinks, so keep your eye on the spider and yell for help. “Spi….Oh wait. I think that’s a nail. It is a nail. Why don’t we have something hanging on that nail? We need to decorate, except I haven’t decided what I want everywhere and I don’t have the money to buy what I want anyway, so that’s why I just had a spider panic attack.”
Hey, look, now it’s 10:05. Spider attacks that weren’t spiders were good for a minute. A lousy minute? Last time we found something creepy in a house it was a large scorpion in my dad’s place. I hope we don’t have scorpions. FOCUS.
This is boring. I need a new meditation word. I know. “#EllenEllenellenellenellenellenlelllll. Yeah, that’s not working. Do you think Ellen uses her own name as a mantra? Probably. And she probably has a staff of people that do her chanting for her. Or live music. MUSIC. I need music.”
I grab my iPhone. Earplugs in, ready to go. “CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HELP.” Help. Have gone deaf. Should not leave Linkin Park blasting when seeking peace and enlightenment and trying to de-stress. Crawling makes me itchy. Need some lotion. I bet #ellen has lotion. I bet she has a WHOLE ROOM of lotion.”
clock says 10:10. I give up.
My mind will NOT shut off just because I close my eyes. I can have a party planned and a movie written in just two hours time. I need an off switch. I bet #Ellen has an off switch.
Will search out information about yoga, thinking if I do that first I will be in the proper state of mind for meditation. NOT. A. GOOD. PLAN.