I have decided that my New Year’s resolutions should all be reasons I DON’T want to be president of the United States. As always, I pick achievable resolutions. You should try it. It makes life so much more pleasant.
1. I will not ever be president of our country because the skeletons in my closet include YEARS of stealing pens. Banks, stores, people’s houses… You name it, if you put a pen out, you can almost guarantee I will steal it. And the saddest thing is, it is ENTIRELY unintentional. I have plenty of pens. Probably hordes of them. I just can’t let one go. It’s like a magnet to my hand. Dear Barnes Bank, I am sorry about all the stolen pens. But since you closed down after some pretty shady dealings, I guess I don’t feel too bad. Kinda.
2. I’ve never been fired from a job, but there was this one time when this total a$$hole was working for me, and he got pissed because I told the boss of the store that his feelings for the total a$$hole’s girlfriend were inappropriate. So I quit, because the store manager supported my employee who said I shouldn’t get involved. Maybe so. I’ll never know, but it could have gone so many ways. Even out the door. Oh wait, it did. (P.S., the a$$hole and the girlfriend broke up, and the store manager quit.)
3. One time, when I was working for The Trib, the lead copy editor caught me behind the coffee machine and kissed me. ICK. I was 19 and he was 60+. So I told my boss, they reprimanded him, and he retired. Not like nowadays, but could someone turn that into a cigar and a closet? I sure hope not. ICK.
4. I think all politicians are unethical, power-hungry, and basically morons. I think that’s an automatic disqualify.
5. I worked for the Trib when they wanted a “copy clerk,” and would call out “buuuuuuooooooooouuuuuuuyyy.” Usually, when there was two of us girls working, we would ignore them as long as possible. After all, why would we answer to boy? I suppose that could be called insubordination.
6. I was born in Logan, Utah, which is pretty close to the moon, according to my late friend Ed McBain. I was so honored to get to know him so well, and have to agree. One might argue whether or not Utah is “in the country.” Birth certificate or not, I might get questioned.
7. There’s never been a woman president, and based on the complete SHIT that the first African American president is getting, I don’t want to play. It doesn’t mean that much to me. Plus I don’t know how to fix this HUGE mess our country is in. And I don’t want to try.
8. I’m good at spelling and grammar. Recession and depression and success all involve MATH. Math is of the devil. It’s why all politicians are evil. They have to do math. It warps their brain.
That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure I’ll come up with more. Happy New Year!!