The Zion Curtain otherwise known as “if I close my eyes, you aren’t there….”

“Well see, here in Utah, we do things different, Ma’am.” Said in best western cowboy voice.

Yeah. (That was me, not the cowboy voice.)

Because while many of the thing we do here are different–things like putting carrots in green jello which is just yucky to the nth–we also have some pretty strange liquor laws. Minibottles used to be great, because the people making the laws don’t drink so they didn’t figure out that you get more alcohol from a minibottle then a measured drink. I mean FOR YEARS. We really had them fooled. I think it was that closet alcoholic Republican nutball from Orem who finally spilled the beans on that when he got caught drinking and driving. Yeah, let’s blame him.

But we still get… wait for it…. the Zion Curtain. And what is the Zion Curtain? It is an opaque partition that separates the person making the drink from the person waiting for the drink. NO REALLY. I can tell you are shocked. Or is that enthusiasm?

Why, you might ask? Opaque doesn’t mean you can’t see through them, and by God, YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THEM. It ain’t stopping any young impressionable junior watching a waiter pour mommy’s martini from seeing what’s up, dude.

From The Trib.

The change means servers at new eateries that serve only beer may not pop off a cap on a beer bottle or pull the tab on a can in view of customers. They must install partitions or build backrooms to store or pour beer with a 3.2 percent alcohol content by weight.  Heavier beer is not allowed.

What a GREAT idea! Stellar! This law is sponsored by the Construction Workers United Local 666. And the makers of OPAQUE partitions. Or perhaps it is a desire to appear mysterious and magic-like. “In Utah, our beer OPENS ITSELF. Who needs a dog that fetches beer from the fridge? This is the priesthood at it’s FINEST.”

Do you really think the person who drinks the beer doesn’t realize that it was opened first? Trust me. They know.

Read this passage, and interpret it for me.

The restrictions are spelled out in two separate bills passed last spring and this summer. Language in the bills is confusing, and key lawmakers said Monday they’re unclear who spearheaded the effort to require partitions in beer-only eateries.

Rep. Greg Hughes, R-Draper, who spoke for one of the bills in the House, said he is not sure that the legislation “is what we envisioned it to be.”

The partitions “accomplish nothing,” Melva Sine, Utah Restaurant Association chief executive, said Monday. “This serves no purpose. This is the same beer that children see sold in hundreds of supermarkets and convenience stores throughout Utah.”

The partitions will be similar to those that hide bartenders mixing a full range of drinks in restaurants that opened after January 2010. Lawmakers approved that restriction in 2009.

The newer liquor control bills — SB314 and SB2002 — require patrons to order food with their beers, and effective March 1, 2012, none of the eateries may have beer sales that exceed 30 percent of their revenue.

This is even better. NOBODY KNOWS WHY. Not one soul.

Sen. John Valentine, R-Orem, who sponsored the legislation, said he does not agree that partitions should be installed at beer-only restaurants, but he included the provision to get the bill passed.

Senate President Michael Waddoups, R-Taylorsville, who supported backrooms to hide bartenders at restaurants serving wine and mixed drinks, said he did not push for partitions at beer-only restaurants — and he doesn’t know who did.

Waddoups suggested that Mothers Against Drunk Driving might have wanted the partitions, but MADD Utah chapter President Art Brown said he is unfamiliar with the requirement.

So, what do you think? Yeah, me too. Nobody knows WHY THE FUCK they are passing these stupid fuckwitted laws. Perhaps they are doing for my amusement.

“Well, see, ma’am, it made sense when we were talking about it in the bishopric meeting.”


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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2 Responses to The Zion Curtain otherwise known as “if I close my eyes, you aren’t there….”

  1. who says:

    It’s less infuriating when the people responsible for eating the chocolate cake (the ones with chocolate all over their hands and face) just admit it as apposed to no eye contact so the lying to your face rule in their eyes doesn’t count.

    The infuriating qualities get magnified when the ones who were the most active in implementing policy changes are the ones whose lives will not be affected by the changes in policy.

    But I cannot say that any majority doesn’t have a right to enact laws that I view as ludacris. In fact, I often think it would be worth entertaining the idea of having some of the States within those United Ones of America be States which had laws that by today’s standards would have a difference in acceptable behavior policy (laws) and the difference was night and day. What I am saying is, something like Nevada being an even more Red Light District type state and Utah can be ultra Mormon even more if the people say, so be it.

    But having a strict federal normalcy may end up putting many states in dire straights if the federal government doesn’t pull up from this tailspin, it will be up to the states to do it on their own.

    allowing states to have more freedom according to their majority voice of their state will become proving grounds for models that even you or I would have never given ideas and ways of life the chance, to have one dance with what I call immediate or instantaneous fate. What failed yesterday may be a saving grace tomorrow due to a slightly changed instantaneous character traits of Mrs. Fate.


  2. Al Rand says:

    Watching alcohol being poured is evil! The next thing they should ban is visible cleavage, on the same grounds; because seeing it is a precursor to seeing boobs, which is also evil!

    Utah liquor laws are a clear example that Utah legislators are un-American and they do not understand freedom. Hey Utah idiot lawmakers – people do not have the “right” to live without outside influences that are lawful.

    Every time I visit Utah and try to get alcohol whether it’s at a restaurant or at a liquor store (if I can find one), there is always the same conversation where the store clerk or waiter or whoever is purveying the alcohol has to apologize for the stupidity of the law while explaining its illogical rules. They must grow tired of that conversation. I know I am. I’m tired of Utah. It’s a paradise, lost. The mormons have ruined it. (and I’m a mormon) (lower case “m”) (impossible to believe it all).


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