No pot to piss in….

Once upon a time, when I was married to someone else (not Birdman, but a thoroughly disagreeable person who lived to control the world, and had to blame everything on SOMEONE, i.e. moi. I even took some blame for the Afghanistan war. Totally my fault.), I became slightly sarcastic and a little bit sardonic and cheeky. Sassy, too. I figured it was better than beaning him over the head with a bowling ball.

So, it was Christmas, and our kids were little, and I wanted money to buy Christmas presents. And he offered up his usual “We have no money. We don’t have a pot to piss in.”

Hmm. Now, I figured this situation would be easy to solve if I just got us a “pot to piss in.” Because if we HAD one, this little problem would no longer be standing in the way of our children having a Christmas with at least a FEW presents under the tree.

So I went to the local craft store, and I bought a little metal tin (enough for one piss per use). I then bought a gold calligraphy pen and wrote “pisspot’ on it, stuck some toilet paper in it, and put it under the tree.

And he never even noticed it. Then I got a royalty check and the kids got Christmas, and on Christmas morning, I pulled the pisspot out and sat it on his lap, and he just looked at it with a confused look on his face.

He did NOT even laugh. Not even a smile.

I’m sure at this point, you can see why I am no longer married to him. One needs a sense of humor, their own dose of sarcastic wit, and an appreciation for roller coaster rides to be married to me.

Wish Birdman luck.

Advertisements

About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
This entry was posted in Things she said.... and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to No pot to piss in….

  1. LOL! After I announced to my then husband that I wanted a divorce, he didn’t believe me. I stated this in July. August, September, October and November was spent with me telling him he needed to leave and him ignoring me. Finally, at the beginning of December he asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him I wanted him to move out. I asked him what he wanted for Christmas,and he said “Surprise me.” So, for Christmas, from me and Diva he got pots, pans, dishes, glasses, silverware and luggage. He moved out a week later. 🙂

    Like

  2. Cele says:

    And the moral to this story is a birdman in the hand… is a much better match.

    Like

  3. birdman says:

    I don’t need luck…just need you to understand my dry, sarcastic sense of humor in return…=D

    Like

  4. Laura York says:

    So familiar from my previous life!!! I love this!! And thank you!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s