Meet the Mormons…. Marriage in Utah, when you're an Ain't, instead of a Saint

You know that movie, Meet the Fockers? The one that comes after Meet the Parents? Well, today we are going to discuss MEET THE MORMONS.

First of all, getting married is stressful. Let me just tell you. Getting married around MORMONS is even more stressful because:

1. You get temple marriage lectures

2. You get temple marriage lectures from people you THOUGHT had figured out years before that you did NOT believe what they believed, and you would sooner carve your eyes out with a spoon then visit the temple in baker’s hats and fig leaf aprons

3. You get to hear about your patriarchal blessings, which you always gave as much weight as a Chinese fortune cookie and have absolutely NO memory of participating in. Although I suppose you don’t really participate. You just sit there while some guy puts his hands on your head and jabbers and some lady writes it down, or records it, and then you get a copy. And it means a LOT to certain other people. Just not you

4. Even though YOU would rather have heard, “You will have eternal happiness IN BED,” that not what a patriarchal blessing says (except maybe for the “eternal” part)

5. Don’t you think it would be interesting to put “In bed” at the end of every patriarchal blessing, just like you do fortune cookies? (Hey, I didn’t come up with the idea, folks. Don’t blame me. Well, at least for the fortune cookies.)

6. Have I ever mentioned I think patriarchy is stupid, and leads to men being pompous, smug, arrogant, assholes, even when you know that they would secretly chuckle if you said “in bed” at the end of every sentence of your patriarchal blessing. At what point did someone say, “Now you have the priesthood, you have to be an arrogant, pompous jackass.” Is that in patriarchal blessings? It probably should be.

7. Certain  odd neighbors of your in-laws and parents consider it a Mormon right to be invited to EVERY wedding that takes place within a 50-mile radius, especially if they KNOW you, your intended, your family, etc. These people WILL invite themselves to your wedding, and will proudly tell people they invited themselves to your wedding. With no shame. I can’t wait to see the gift. And the certain odd neighbor will be bringing her grumpy, anti-social husband, a man who was sent home from his Mormon mission because he couldn’t get along with anyone. Apparently, the only one he gets along with is his wife, and I suspect this is BECAUSE she doesn’t hear a word he says or really even notice he’s there. She’s created her own reality and we are all just living in it. He, on the other hand, raises flags at the top of his trees, wants to start his own country, and has terrified generations of neighborhood children. We feel truly blessed that he will be sharing our special day with us. I’m trying to convince Birdman NOT to carry a gun.

8. You have to borrow metal folding chairs from all your relatives, and when you look at the bottom, you notice they all say “Such and such a ward” and you are left to wonder if all Mormons are secretly stealing folding chairs from the ward house. And if so, why? Is this acceptable behavior? If I were going to steal something, it would NOT be a metal folding chair

9. Is the Mormon church like the Army, where things go missing, and no one figures out where they went to because they were “appropriated” by some other needy Mormon personage, and so they just go and “appropriate” their own folding chairs?

10. Does the Mormon Church own stock in a folding chair company somewhere?

11. Back to the odd neighbor, will there by anarchy in the two wards when they realized that someone not close to either THE BRIDE or the GROOM invited themselves to the wedding?

12. Why do you have to invite the entire ward to Mormon receptions?

13. Has anyone else noticed there is a great dearth of Native American spiritual advisers in Utah?

14. If one more person suggests I serve Hawaiian haystacks at my wedding, I might have to borrow Birdman’s gun. As you can see here:

A Hawaiian Haystack (also known as a Chicken Sundae) is a convenience cuisine. The dish did not originate in Hawaii, but derives its name from the Hawaiian character of pineapple, a staple ingredient. It is popular in the western U.S. both as a school lunch and as a quick, creative meal for family dinners.

This has nothing to do with Hawaii. Therefore, there will be no haystacks.

That’s all for now. I’m sure tomorrow will bring more exciting wedding details.