Jesus loves the little children…. and so do I!

Especially when they visit my blog and leave funny comments.

For example, meet our new friend, Jaycey.

Jaycey says:

I’ve done baptisms for the dead many times. Go in there with the right attitude and it will be an amazing spiritual experience. And the Church isn’t here to tell how to live your life, it’s to help make your life easier by I don’t know, making sure you’re not addicted to cocaine and having children out of wedlock…what a devilish church. Bet you’re so glad you’re not part of an organization where you’re cared for and looked after. 🙂

Um, Jaycey? Have you been snorting a few lines and burned up some brain cells? The UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT tells you not to do cocaine. It is what we call ILLEGAL. That means AGAINST THE LAW. Mormons didn’t come up with that one. And actually, let’s be honest. Common sense probably works just as well when it comes to knowing you should not, oh, say, COOK UP a vat of crystal meth in your house. Have you SEEN how they have to decontaminate those houses?

In short, your own BRAIN should tell you that snorting coke really isn’t your wisest option. If you really need a CHURCH to explain that to you, well, you’re a lot farther gone than you realize.

But, as everyone knows, when you don’t read your Book of Mormon regularly, and go get dunked for the dead, then you HAVE CHILDREN OUT OF WEDLOCK. The correlation has been proven. I think it was Boyd K. Packer that came up with it. Do you know how many MORMON girls got pregnant this year? I can think of TEN in my daughter’s class. And guess WHAT? She, a non-Mormon, is NOT one of them. How interesting is that? Can you explain that one to me?

Nobody ever told me baptism for the dead was all about attitude. I personally think the person who was responsible for baptizing Hitler should be crawling out of their skin right about now…. But hey, if you have the right attitude, that little swastika really doesn’t mean much at all.

Dear Hitler,

We love and care for you. Just because you killed millions of Jews doesn’t mean you can’t be redeemed. As long as you don’t snort coke, and have babies unless you are married, all is good. Oh yeah, don’t drink and stay away from coffee, too.

Love always,
The happy dunkers.

And then we have our new friend Hannnah. Yeah, three ns, I know. Suspect it was a typo, but wouldn’t want to be accused of taking something OUT OF CONTEXT by removing it.

Hannnah says:

OMG! dont post things like this.. im a Mormon and we are just being helpful you didnt have to answer the freakin door.. so get a life and dont waste your time putting rude posts your not accomplishing anything in life by doing this to Mormons, just thought i would let you know…

Dear Hannnah,

Thanks for letting me know I didn’t need to answer the freakin door. At our house, though, most of the doors aren’t freakin, or doing anything of the sort. They just open and close. I’m not sure what sort of a domicile you live in, but you might want to consider exorcism–or turning it into a strip bar. Pole dancing is very profitable these days.

Just let me make this clear. What IS it you think I was trying to accomplish by “doing this” to Mormons. What is this? Posting about my life? I don’t think there was a goal there. Just love to share. Also, think how much more amusing your comment would have been if you added a few more “freakin” comments. For example, “Freakin, OMG! dont freakin post freakin things like this.. im a freakin Mormon and we are just being freakin helpful you didnt have to answer the freakin door.. so get a life and dont freakin waste your time putting freakin rude posts your not accomplishing freakin anything in life by doing this to freakin Mormons, just freakin thought i would let you know…”

I’ve been around teenagers. I KNOW how often they say freakin.

Just for the record, I would like to suggest that Hannnah freakin go back to school and learn a little bit about freakin grammar and punctuation. That would make me freakin happy and her comment a whole freakin lot easier to read.

Time to get back to work.

Freak out.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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10 Responses to Jesus loves the little children…. and so do I!

  1. worm says:

    I am always a-mused…
    The number of comments you receive from people who believe that because you don’t believe what they do, you don’t have a right to post what you believe…anyone dizzy yet?
    Do these young ladies realize that without their priesthood holder “pulling them through” nothing they do in this life matters…and what if in a mid-life crisis, he leaves you for his 21 year old sexatary and skips the state with all your Amway money…you still ain’t getting in, and you’ve wasted your whole life…and a very Utah WTH?


  2. Oneofadozen says:

    Hey, I’ve been on the verge of commenting several times before. I’ve enjoyed reading your perspective on life as a recovering Mormon. I wish “Jaycey” and others like her could see how much the church DOES control them. I think that’s part of the appeal, though. It’s terrifying to examine your beliefs and make your own choices. It’s so much easier to just follow along blindly, claiming to believe what you’ve been trained to believe.


  3. kjourney says:

    I agree with oneofadozen. It is way easier to follow blindly and it is terrifying to examine your own beliefs. I am going through this now.

    Natalie, your comments always make me laugh and I think your humor makes your blog entertaining as well as insightful. I was probably once one of those ignorant teenagers.


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  5. Dazee Dreamer says:

    OMG. That was “freakin” hilarious. Being from Utah is always a fun and exciting adventure. I to have just released myself from “the mormons” after 50 years. And was totally reamed by my niece of the age of 29 because I’m acting like a school girl. No, I’m acting like a “freakin” liberated woman. Thanks for the posts. I love them.


  6. Melissa says:

    You are awesome Natalie! This naivity and brainwashing is the reason I left the church. I remember back when I was the young womens president about ten years ago and teaching the combined lesson about temple marriage and still to this day feel guilty for being a part of the brainwashing techniques the church uses. I remember telling the girls – which was an idea in the actual manual – to write a list of everything they want in their future husbands – AT TWLEVE YEARS OLD!!! I know every young girl dreams of their wedding, but they should never be brain washed to marry so young or think of those things that soon. They should be focused on obtaining good grades so they can go to college and be successful, confident women.


  7. Jen says:

    hey, so can I ask a question? I’m in Tennessee, so there’s not the crazy societal crap about Mormonism . . . here, it’s “are you born again?” blah blah. But to my question: I have the SWEETEST across-the-street neighbor in the world who I have known about a year. I really really like her. I was a little disappointed when I found out she is Mormon, but decided I wasn’t going to hold that against her . . . but then she started inviting me to her church. 😦

    In conversations with her and her husband, I have told them how familiar I am with their church (grew up in a western state, thus had many Mormon friends), that I am a very liberal feminist, that I believe firmly in gay rights and women in the ministry . . . the church I attend has a woman pastor and I have told her I prefer that to a male pastor, that women can be amazing ministers and it’s ridiculous to me that many religions don’t allow it . . . and yet she is still inviting me to church functions? REALLY? I’m not some young person with an unformed mind . . . I am past 30 and VERY entrenched in my beliefs, and this is OBVIOUS when you talk to me.

    So WHY is she still inviting me to church, and HOW can I get her to stop? I want to be her friend, she is adorably sweet and genuine. But I can’t nicely turn down the church invites for much longer; I’m going to have to get harsh.



  8. worm says:

    If it helps, go back and read our discussion following the April 29th blog on always being a child. I think it is a part of the religion, that they have a dream and want to share it…dreams aren’t reality, and so they don’t have anything to do with anything but what is going on in their head…
    And I’m looking forward to Natalie’s response to your question…always nice to have her articulate her thinking.


  9. Natalie says:

    Jen, I think this harkens back to our “mission” upbringing. She really believes she has the ONLY TRUE THING, and so she wants to share it with you. The tricky part here is deciding whether or not she really likes you or sees you as a potential convert. There is no doubt that the potential convert part is very real, but I’ve seen a lot of very nice Mormons who DO like non-Mormons, and want to be their friends.

    I’d recommend you say, “Look, I really like you. I enjoy our friendship. But I am very happy with my personal beliefs. And religion is something I don’t care to discuss. Can we still be friends?”

    And then you wait and see if you ARE really friends, or she just wants to add you to the church roles.


  10. Jen says:

    thanks for the reply, Natalie!!!


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