Our new friend Brandon thinks I hate Mormons. He is, of course, wrong. I don’t hate Mormons. I love many of them. Some of my best friends are Mormons, although they don’t always act very Christlike. Dealing with one of those right now. Sadness. BUT STILL, I love them.
What DO I hate? I shall share.
1. I HATE chocolate covered cherries. There is nothing worse than biting into a chocolate to discover a disgusting candied cherry and oozy, icky liquid. I don’t know who came up with this idea, but they NEED TO RETHINK IT. (Note: Natalie does not like cherries. It is a not completely irrational hatred, born of many years of eating and picking cherries as a youth.)
2. I HATE yogurt with fruit at the bottom. Who in the hell came up with this idea? Can you think of any OTHER thing you like to eat, all the way to the bottom, only to discover there is something down there, all lumpy and congealed. Does anyone even MAKE yogurt with fruit at the bottom? I sure as hell hope not. This was bad planning if there was ever bad planning. I do not like discovering things in my food. Thanks, but no thanks.
3. Fat on food. Yeah, those people that eat the fat like it’s a huge treat? No. Please do not come near me. Take your rubbery goo and go eat it elsewhere.
4. Speedos. PUHLEEZE. We women do not need to see the package. We like to be surprised. Okay, so it’s not always a PLEASANT surprise, but still… We do not want to SEE IT. Put it away until the appropriate time.
5. John Meyer. Come on, I’ve never even met the guy but he’s been inside half of Hollywood, and then BLABBED ABOUT IT to Playboy. Boy did they have fun with that one. He’s not even that cute. And he has no manners. He can sing. But he’s a he-whore with diarrhea of the mouth. Have to wonder how he gets songs out around that word-vomit he keeps spewing.
6. Sandals and black socks. Do I REALLY have to explain?
7. Dear man on the little girlie motorcycle, who flipped me off because I pulled into the lane of oncoming traffic a little bit late for your liking. Never mind that they just CHANGED that area to include two lanes, and used to be you would get SMASHED by oncoming traffic at five p.m. if you pulled out when the light was still red. Dear man? I hate you. Especially since you were driving your little girlie motorcycle, and wearing khaki pants, BLACK SOCKS, sandals, and no helmet. Dumb ass.
8. I hate spiders. End of story. Some day I will tell you the story of the hobo spider that came to play in my daughter’s drill bag. But not yet. I’m still trying to recover. I can’t talk about it without Valium. Neither can she.
9. I HATE putting worms on hooks, but I love fishing. It’s a Catch-22.
10. I HATE people who come to my door and ask me if I can give them money. Why yes, let me just hand over this 20 dollar bill that I just worked 1.5 hours to earn, so that YOU can go on your road trip with your friend. WHAT is wrong with you? Does your brain work? At all? Just wondering….