Chased by the missionaries…..

So today I took a walk, because Mother Nature has FINALLY decided to play nice and allow spring to come stay over for a bit. As I turned up 600 East, I spotted two Mormon missionaries a ways back. Now, common sense tells you that two young men would not approach a single woman at a gallop, just because things like GANG RAPE and MUGGING would run through your head, even in nice little old Kaysville.

Yeah, that’s common sense, and that and Mormonism really don’t go hand in hand.

So I hear these two young kids in suits running after me, and I almost turned around and screamed “I have a gun,” at them, but I don’t. I will soon, after I take my concealed carry class, and buy my pink gun (yes, it will have a pink handle. Anyone who has met me KNOWS I’m a girlie girl).

But at this point, I don’t, and these two 19-year-olds just came galloping up beside me and said, “How ya doing?”

The last time a male did that to me, he was trying to get to touch the goods without my personal permission, so I was not entirely happy with their approach.

“You should never run up behind a woman walking alone like that,” I said, a motherly scolding tone in my voice.

“But we’re missionaries.”

Hmm. And the day you put on your suit did your penis stop working? Is it THAT kind of magic suit? Yeah, we won’t go there.

“It doesn’t matter. What if I had a gun? I could have shot you.”

“But we’re missionaries.”

At this point, I am sensing a theme.

“Look guys, it’s just not a good idea. If you did this in New York or New Jersey, you would either be castrated or under arrest.”

Quieter companion blanched a little bit at that one.

“So, are you with our church?” This was louder, red-headed, obviously senior companion. Probably his idea to jog after me.

“Me? I probably know more about your church than you will EVER know.”

“Well, hey, let’s sit down and talk about it.”

At this point I stopped walking. “Look, let me make myself perfectly clear. Sitting around telling someone that what they believe is NOT true is not my thing. If it makes you happy, then be happy. I’m not going to tell you you are wrong.”

“Well, neither are we.”

“Do you believe you have the only true church?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Then you intend to tell me I am wrong, because I don’t believe that, correct?”


“Yeah, I thought so. Look, you are nice young boys. Have a nice day.”

At this point, we were passing a driveway where there was a garage sale, and they yelled out a happy HELLO to the lady selling her stuff and said a HAPPY goodbye to me. “Call us if you want an appointment.”

Yes, of course.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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15 Responses to Chased by the missionaries…..

  1. tracy says:

    oh lord…i had a similar experience the other day, except they were standing on my neighbors front lawn as i pulled into my parking lot. as soon as i saw the dark suits, my first thought was EFFFFF…but with a dead end in front of me, decided to just get out of the car and ignore them.

    as i got out i purposely gave them a “don’t EVEN try it” look and went into my house. 2 minutes pass and the door knocking starts. I ignore, they keep knocking. I can see them through my peephole and of course they know I am in there since they just saw me go in, but do they think, “oh snap, she may just not want to talk to us?” yeah, right.

    here comes the clue train, boys, first stop: YOU.

    what makes them seriously so aggressive and annoying? i live in logan and i cringe inside whenever i see them out and about because it doesn’t matter where the hell you are, grocery store, hair salon, whatever, they just get this look in their eyes and zoom in on you. Uggggghhhhhh.

    Love your blog.


  2. JulieAnn says:

    I chase after them.
    Next time, just turn and start jogging toward them. Introduce yourself as Joyce mid-run. Meh, maybe not…they might not run from you.


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  4. Cele says:

    Ha ha JA cracks me up, but she has a good point… One you know all to well. Hey, what’s JA doing, she suppose to be writing.


  5. Clark says:

    But we’re missionaries! Yep, that excuses everything.


  6. Brandon says:

    Why do you even allow comments? You only post those that validate what you are trying to justify…your hatred for a specific religion. Its OK, just keep validating like the person addicted to coke…


  7. tracy says:

    Or maybe the only people who commented are the people who, upon seeing those bright-eyed, dark suited young men in all their fabulous stalkery-ness, immediately just wish for Harry Potter’s invisible cloak.

    Just saying.


  8. Insana D says:

    Oh sweet young Brandon, you really live in a precious little bubble world don’t you. I found this place by typing in “Ex-mormon Blog sites” fully expecting that blogs to be about ex-mormons having typical or funky exmormon experiences, and sharing views that reflect ex-mormons. Who knew it would be about ex-mormons?

    I’m enjoying reading the posts and dabbling in the blogosphere a bit. I’ve had plenty of encounters with well meaning and sweet naive nearly dumb headed young missionaries as well and the mother in me always wants to take them in, feed them well, and try to help them have a little grown up perspective on the world they’re facing but I see that hungry needy naive desperate puppy look and I just can’t bring myself to hurt these poor saps.

    Some came by wanting to know if there was anything they could do to “HELP” me around my home. I have a tract home in a large city with a small yard and other than some dried doggy poo there wasn’t a thing that needed doing. One eager young elder offered to help scoop dried dog poo. Imagine him as a three or four yr. old boy singing, “I hope they call me on a mission…. So I can scoop up dried dog shit”. Yeah, thats a good use of all that energy and time and money.

    My hell, why don’t they send these eager young folks off to places where they’re needed and can do something worthwhile instead of pestering people till they make a really bad name for themselves and their freaky cult. (not that it needed any help). My family has spent well over $400,000.00 for missions in the last two decades and netted about 65 or so converts, probably only half of which stayed with the cult.

    That’s not counting the hours and talents and energy spent nor all that time spent in the worthless LDS temples doing stuff for dead corpses that didn’t ask for it in the first place.

    I wish the LDS church would do something to help the world instead of just making everyone hate them even more.


  9. Natalie says:

    Dear Brandon, your comment is still there, isn’t it? Nuff said.


  10. Natalie says:

    And why the hell does not believing equal hatred? Please, someone, explain that to me. I do not believe that Cherry Coke is good, but I don’t hate it. Oh wait. I hate all things cherry. Too many cherry trees growing up. That was a bad example.

    I don’t believe that Elvis is alive, but I don’t hate him.

    I don’t believe that herbal medicines can make your penis grow, but I don’t hate those medicines, or the penises that don’t grow.

    I don’t believe that Bill Gates should be trying to take over the world, but I don’t hate him. I might advise looking OUT for him, because he is pretty intent….


  11. Todd says:

    Natalie says,

    “Look, let me make myself perfectly clear. Sitting around telling someone that what they believe is NOT true is not my thing. If it makes you happy, then be happy. I’m not going to tell you you are wrong.”

    Interesting irony coming from one who sits around telling someone that what they believe is not true.

    I’m just saying…



  12. Natalie says:

    Heh heh. Welcome back Todd!! You know you missed me…..

    And PLEASE let me clarify. I do NOT come to your house or chase YOU down the street. You come to me. 🙂


  13. Todd says:

    Clarification accepted…

    And, congratulations on your new-found love. I wish you all the best.



  14. Justme says:

    In this day and age, any nutjob can don a uniform and gain trust among their soon-to-be victims. I don’t care if you’re a wholesome Mormon missionary, you just don’t run up and accost people like that. Even if the missionaries are the real deal, what do most people do when they see the the pair of white shirts and black name tags? They run in the other direction or, as someone said earlier, wish for Harry Potter’s invisible cloak.


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