2008 Top Ten Reasons I Love Living Behind the Zion Curtain

Yes, I am blogging again, at least for a while, and I’d like to thank the lovely and intelligent JulieAnn for stepping in and blogging while I was MIA, playing with the folks at the Sundance Film Festival.

Don’t worry, she will be back.

So I thought I would take a minute today and recount the TOP TEN REASONS I really, really love living in Utah, trapped behind the Zion Curtain. Most of those reasons, of course, are in the form of PEOPLE. Damn, they are funny. Not all of the list below are ACTUALLY Mormons, but they DO have Mormon ties. So, here we go.

10. Dell “SUPERDELL” Schanze. This man is a GOLD MINE of humor. Why, just check out his blog. Can you say, “Delusions-of-being-Joseph-Smith-in-a-skin-tight-blue-and-red-suit?” I really think SUPERDELL would love to be known as a Mormon Superhero. In 2008, SD amused me because he ran for Governor–and called our CURRENT governor, Jon Huntsman Jr., an “anti-Christ socialist.” Reckless driving charges, brandishing firearms, filing false police reports, and discrimination charges are just a FEW of the things Schanze has piled up against him.

You can check him out on Wikipedia, where I found THIS very humorous notation.

On January 4, 2007, Dell Schanze was banned from editing the Wikipedia for a period of 24 hours for 10 or more Vandalism violations in a 24 hour period, including his statement that “Wikipedia is run by terrorists”. Wikipedia Edit History

Utah would be a VERY boring place without SUPERDELL.

9. Joyce McKinney. Our not-so-favorite stalker showed up back in the news in 2008, after she cloned her beloved pit bull, Booger. This all took place in Korea, and Joyce tried to hide from the media eyes (sorta) by claiming to be Bernann McKinney, which was quickly noted to be Joyce’s middle name. Not very sneaky. I mean, after all, just changing your name is bound to keep people from recognizing you when you pose for pictures for the Associated Press, pictures that will be DISTRIBUTED around the world! Joyce is best known for kidnapping a Mormon missionary in 1978 and raping him.

Currently, Joyce is wanted in Tennessee for engineering a burglary.

Joyce Bernann McKinney, a former beauty queen who earlier this year paid £25,000 to have her dead pet recreated, is accused of instructing a 15-year-old boy to break into a house because she needed funds to help another beloved animal, her three-legged horse.

The Tennessee charges stem from McKinney’s arrest in November 2004 after being found in a van with the teenager. According to prosecutors in Carter County, an area in north eastern Tennessee, she instructed the boy to burgle a house and was charged with criminal conspiracy to commit aggravated burglary and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

A three-legged horse. Does she realize her life is a punchline? Nah.

8. The Dangers of Caffeine. In the LDS Church’s latest assault on the EVIL CAFFEINE, they have come out in a stance against energy drinks. Good God, how the hell are people supposed to stay awake during CHURCH. Would that we were all kids, like my two-year-old niece Fluffy, whose latest remedy to church boredom is to shout out “AMEN,” at the top of her lungs, when she determines that a talk, a prayer, a sermon, a whatever, has gone on WAYYYYY too long. But adults cannot get away with that, hence the need for energy drinks. And hence the need to BAN energy drinks, so you folks will stay sleepy and sluggish and unable to discern the truth in the little nuggets you are getting from your church leaders.

7. Gordon B. Hinckley’s death. No, this one was NOT funny. As always, death is not humorous, and I was well aware that many, many people were mourning his passing. But what WAS funny was the response my brief condolence note got from angry, angry Mormons. Note to bloggers: if you adopt a slightly controversial and not-entirely “Pro-Mormon” bias on your blog, be prepared to get attacked. ALWAYS, all the time, no matter what you say. I noticed this rather early on in my blogging career. If I was nice, or politically correct, or whatever you want to call it, I got attacked MORE because Mormon people saw it as a sign of weakness. A chink in the armor, perhaps. So, I had to adopt a “tell-it-like-it-is” stance.

6. The UTTER SHOCK of Mormons everywhere when people got pissed off because they made sure Proposition 8 passed in California. I mean, WHY would people be so angry that they were being denied the rights that others take for granted? Why indeed? Equally amusing was the “well, it wasn’t the Church! Those were individual donors,” stance they took after the firestorm hit.

5. The raid on the Yearning for Zion ranch in El Dorado, which was tied to Utah because it has all those polygamist links. I find it most amusing that Mormons cannot understand WHY people automatically think Utah and Mormon Church when they hear polygamy. “Can you believe they live that way?” Uh, yeah, can you believe that your prophet Joseph Smith is the one who came up with it?

4. Utah removes Alcapop from the stores. Apparently, there was a strong fear that unknowing, innocent Utah teens might accidentally BUY the flavored alcohol beverages, thinking they were energy drinks or soda pop. Apparently, again, there was a strong fear that people who WORKED at stores would not be aware that “malt beverage” means beer, and would SELL said alcapop to the innocent minors who would then become addicted to alcohol, crack, and possibly wearing sandals with black socks.

3. Utah hair. Right now, as far as I can tell, the strangest hairstyles are being worn on the extreme regions of the state. First we have the polygamist pouf.

pouf.jpg

The other style I cannot find a picture of, so if anyone can help, it would be greatly appreciated. In the NORTHERN regions of Utah, we have the ratted box hair. The more square and higher you rat your hair, in the back, the better. I shall never understand how this can be considered attractive. It looks like your head got attacked by an egg beater. But, I guess style is in the eye of the beholder.

2. Dog training gone bad. I am sure this is something that could happen anywhere, but luckily for me, it happened HERE. Apparently, in Utah, even animals get in on shoplifting. This has nothing at all to do with Mormonism, but it’s still a funny story. Apparently, a dog trotted into a Smith’s, went straight to the pet-food aisle, grabbed a $2.79 bone, and exited the store, ignoring the manager who tried to stop him. Somewhere in Utah, there is one VERY PROUD man, who has trained the dog to fetch beer, fetch slippers, and shoplift.

1. And number 1: (drumroll please), GOD SPEAKS and the University of Utah TROMPS the pants off of Brigham Young University. The Zoo’s team is SOOOO bad this year, that my blue-to-the-bone father is considering switching allegiance! I promise. GO UTAH!

Feel free to add your own top ten reasons YOU love living behind the Zion Curtain.

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About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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10 Responses to 2008 Top Ten Reasons I Love Living Behind the Zion Curtain

  1. Theorris says:

    As to #3: Remember the “Utah Claw?”

    Like

  2. WendyP. says:

    I can’t even read Schanze for the laughs–he’s just such a deluded idiot.

    Like

  3. Stephanie says:

    Just found your blog (loving it!) after having read Wives and Sisters (thought it was great!). I’ll be stopping by often. I love your tell-it-like-it-is manner. 🙂

    Like

  4. Natalie says:

    Stephanie,

    Thanks for finding Trapped! And for the kind words, especially after Todd just called me a MISANTHROPE. It sounds a little like a dark, hairy, stinky beast, doesn’t it?

    I enjoyed your review of WIVES AND SISTERS!

    Like

  5. Pingback: Trapped by the Mormons Blog Archive 2008 Top Ten Reasons I … | CARE 4 YOUR PET

  6. Renee says:

    Except for SuperDell, all things I DO NOT miss about living in Utah.

    Glad you can handle it.

    Cheers.

    Like

  7. Cele says:

    Being a lover of College Football and not a resident of Utah…nor am I or ever have been a Mormon (although I understand the threat arises after death) I will comment on number one, which the Utes should have had a chance to be…Stupid BCS… after their convincing demolition of Alabama the other day. Go Utes!

    Like

  8. K*tty says:

    Hey, what about the Mormon Missionary calendar and his excommunication? And also what about the BYU students boycotting Victoria Secret for their scantily attired models and advertising. These two just popped in my head right away. I’m sure I could think of others. Maybe later.

    Like

  9. Pingback: Trapped by the Mormons Blog Archive 2008 Top Ten Reasons I … | PETS WORLDPRO

  10. Sideon says:

    My big gay agenda includes a plan to relocate all my friends and bloggers to the East Bay in California.

    When are you moving out here?

    KTHXBAI!

    Like

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