In The Beginning…

Bon Jour, oh fans of Natalie’s blog!

Guest Blogger here.

You can call me JulieAnn for now. I’m sure that later I will be called many other things.

It is not within my capabilities to pick up Natalie’s particular mantle–she has a way with idiots that I couldn’t possibly emulate. She has a way of calling the Mormon Church to the carpet in a manner I find redeemable and noteworthy. Bottom line:

I’m not Natalie.

But I am here and I hope you’ll find this little stint as entertaining as I do. If you want to read more about me (hey, I can shamelessly self-promote if I wanna) you can visit my blog, Ravings of a Semi-Mad Woman, here..

Onward to my blasphemous blather about beginnings.

In the beginning, this…thing we’ll call it XY (we’ll go into more detail about this later) decided that the big, black hole in It’s space was irritating. Plus, XY was bored. It had been a millennia or so since It had that cool monster-lizard play set. Of course, XY’s big brother Billy had the bright idea of tossing a flaming meteor at it….ruined the whole damn thing.

Anyway, back to the void. XY was staring at the void, which is to say staring at nothing because, well, that’s what a void is after all isn’t it? Suddenly, XY said,

“Whoa, that isn’t a nothing! That’s a something. A dark something, but a something nonetheless. I think I should go check it out.”

XY looked at all of this….goo, and there was some chunks, so It grabbed the goo and chunks and formed a sphere, rolling it around until it was almost round.

The ball was still really dark, so XY blew a little star toward the sphere to illuminate It’s newest endeavor. XY was so excited!

Now, when XY got excited, It got a little obsessive, so It worked on It’s project non-stop for six whole days. It took XY three whole days just to figure out the land-water-air thing. Stars took another day, but that was after It blew up at least three different goo-balls.

“Note to self: too many stars incinerate goo ball…” XY wrote in It’s little project journal.

Mom began to complain.

“I’ve done this little project before, XY. Where do you think all the goo and chunks came from? I’m telling you, you won’t like the outcome.”

“I can rebuild it, mom, I have the technology. I can build it better than before, stronger, faster…”

“Okay, okay, learn for yourself. You’ll see. You’ll see what happens when you play with goo.”

XY sprinkled some crap in the gooey water and fish and birds came out.

“This is the coolest thing ever!” XY shouted. Mom rolled her eyes.

XY saw….that it was good.

XY started throwing stuff around to see what would happen. (This is the official explanation for the platypus). It was all good. Finally, XY wrote in his book, the only–I repeat ONLY– original statement straight from XY’s pen to us today:

“So God {XY} created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female, he created he them.” The HoleyHoly Bible,Genesis 1:27.

See, XY created two forms of Itself, calling them man and woooooooohhhh-man (XY eventually shortened the latter to ‘woman’ because of the problem with government forms/job applications, space constraints and requirements.) But XY felt a bit “wooooohhhhh” when looking at the woman creation It made (ifyaknowhatImean). It had all sorts of cool things on it, woman did, and XY got a bit tingly while looking at her. (C’mon, those of you who played with Barbies–you know who you are–when you closed the door and they got busy with each other even though Ken was sort of a–hey! I see a pattern here!) Later we’ll go into how XY had the hots for a young chick named Mary, and you’ll see what I mean.

So XY sprinkled some pixie dust taken from the star Tinkerbell, and made the man and woman writhe around a bit until their eyes opened and they looked around at all the cool stuff around them. Weirdly enough, they spoke “God”. XY told them that they needed to writhe around on each other (cover your eyes, good people) and make more of themselves. But XY couldn’t quite figure out that part. It had never done well in biology. A strong B+ average.

“And while they are baking inside the woman, they will be just like me; most of them, later on in their development, will pick a team. Some won’t, and the parents will have to pick for them. Either way, it’s been 7 days and I’m exhausted. I need a diet Coke. Have at it.”

Well the woman, happy about this arrangement, hopped on the man, who called himself Adam. Adam was feeling a little shy. He began to complain to XY, whom he called God.

“God, she’s on me all the time! I don’t like it. I mean, I wouldn’t mind someone else looking just like me to hop on me, but she’s so….so….different.”

God nodded. “Okay, scratch Lillith. She was just a prototype anyway. I’ll get you a new one.”

God really didn’t want another Adam-like creature on the sphere It called “Earth”; so God, while Adam was sleeping, snatched out a piece of his side and some more goo, prettier goo, more sequatious goo, and fashioned another woman named Eve. She was a bottom.

“Aww, shit. You said you’d make me another one!” Adam was getting on God’s nerves.

“Look, I put different stuff in you guys so you’d be able to make more little one’s of you. A big happy Earth family. I haven’t figured out how all of that will work yet, but trust me, I’ll make it interesting. And I really want both parts of me represented here; it is, after all, my little project, so deal. She’s part of you, okay? Just climb aboard, you’ll see.”

Adam climbed and he saw that Eve was goooooood.

God was starting to regret It’s little project. Maybe mom was right. God didn’t like Adam’s attitude very much. But Eve was a hottie, so God decided to let it slide and see where it took them.

God’s brother Billy walked up behind him.

“Boo!”

“Aahhh! Damn it, Billy look what you made me do!” (This is the official explanation for Oklahoma.)

Billy laughed. “You are such a dweeb. Look at you geekin’ out over all of this stuff when pretty soon, those little things down there are going to be just like you and then what will you play with?”

“What do you mean, ‘just like me’?”

“Well look,” Billy explained, “you made that tree out of some stuff that will give those thingys down there all of the knowledge you have. I mean, duh, XY, talk about a clusterf–”

“Billy,” mom warned, “let XY learn his own way, will you? Now come eat your beans.”

Billy hated beans. More than that, he hated that XY was mom’s favorite because It was the baby. Billy decided to play a little trick on his brother.

“So XY, why are your little critters different than one another?”

“I don’t know.” XY pouted a little. “I tried, and some of them worked, but most of them came out like one or the other; neither was an exact replica of me. But I decided it was good!”

“But you created two of them that really want to be together, right? To be like you?”

“Yeah….”

“But what if they procreate and make a little one that doesn’t like the opposite form of itself?”

“Hmm, I hadn’t really thought of that. Do you think that could happen?”

“Well of course it could happen, silly. You made them all the same until they are cooked about three months.”

“So what should I do?”

“Well, you made them; so what do you think?”

XY pondered for a moment and then said, “I think everything I’ve made so far has been good. So, if they decide they like someone who looks like them, it’s what I created, so it must be good, right?”

“Riiiiight.” Billy smiled, his plot hatching in his head as he walked away. He turned, suddenly, as if a thought struck him.

“Hey XY, I have a cool thing to put on your Earth.”

“What is it?” XY asked dubiously.

“It’s like one of your dinosaurs, but smaller and no legs. See? It wriggles around and says “ssss”.”

XY didn’t think it was that cool, but Billy was making an effort.

“Okay, stick it in there. But no biting.”

What Billy didn’t tell XY is that the creature was imbued with all sorts of tricks and devices. Billy named the slithery thing Satan and whispered in it’s orifice that served as an ear:

“Okay, so XY thinks everything is ‘so good’,” he said in a mocking tone. “I want you to go down there and talk to the thingy’s he created, especially that Eve babe. Get them to eat from the tree that gives them the desire to divide, argue, struggle and eschew. Get them to create laws that persecute each other, and especially persecute anyone different then them. Oh, make sure you tell them not to kill each other or take each other’s stuff, because that would be stupid–they’d be done in about a day. But the rest is a free-for-all. And make absolutely sure that Adam knows that if his little secret about liking thingy’s like himself is discovered, he’ll be cast into Oklahoma. Not too far from Missouri, but far enough.”

Satan agreed and set forth to slither upon the land created by XY and wreak havoc with Earth by implementing the plan they dubbed “Organized Religion.”

Thus hatred began to spread upon the land like a virus and divisiveness and intolerance abounded.

XY came back after a nap and It was shocked. “Billy, what did you do?”

“Nothing…”

“Billy,” mom called, “did you toss religion into XY’s project?”

Billy cast his eyes down. “Yes.”

“Billy…you know how we feel about that particular form of chaos. Why did you do it?”

Billy yelled, impassioned, “Because XY is your favorite and It knows it! And if I can get all of It’s creatures to loathe one another, it will be like they loathe XY, and that would be the ultimate punishment–to have all your creations loathe you!”

“Billy. To. Your. Room. NOW!”

Billy sniffed loudly but not before sticking his tongue out at XY.

When the door to Billy’s room closed, XY came to his mother and sat near her. “Mom, why would Billy do such a thing to me?”

“Billy really didn’t do anything, XY. See, he just planted the seed. Your creatures, by their very natures, are fearful creatures and anything different than them is a threat. All you can do now is watch from the sidelines and see what happens.”

“But, but I care about these thingy’s mom! They are all mine and they were and are all good!”

“I know, sweetheart. There is only one thing you can really do at this point.”

“Start over?”

“No…”

“Because I tried a flood once but it only covered about 1/8th of the Earth…”

“No, no no. XY, you need to make some special creatures to go down there and talk about the most important thing.”

“What’s that, love?”

“That, and one more thing: a sense of humor. These creatures of yours take everything so god damned seriously. Don’t they know this is all just a silly story to help them cope with the reality they have created down there?”

“What’s the silly story about?”

“You, me, your brother, your project. Only they will re-write it and make it about hatred, jealousy and divisiveness. And they’ll take it all too seriously.”

“But why would they do that, mom?”

“I suspect you didn’t create enough cannabis.”

“Mo-om.”

“Okay, in all seriousness? When they reject each other, they are really rejecting themselves. When they reject themselves, they reject each other, do you see? A vicious cycle.”

“So how do I fix it?”

“You don’t XY; all you can do is keep sending your good stuff there and hope that some of the silly things will get it.”

“But, mom, what if they find out that I’m different; that I’m not like them. Will they reject me too?”

She smiled and smoothed back It’s hair. “No, they won’t reject you. They won’t because they will never understand you.”

“I’m going to take another nap, mom.”

“Good; you rest. And don’t worry. My project was almost as bad. Except their downfall was bad Japanese Pop music.”

“Bad what?”

“Never mind. Good night, dear.”