Fun with Spam

Boy, my AOL spam folder was fun today. First, I had this little gem:

My name is Mrs. Alice King,I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I
have to charity through you. You may be wondering why I chose you. But someone
has to be chosen. I am 59 years old and was diagnosed for cancer about 2 years
ago, after the death of my husband who had left me everything he worked for I
have been touched by the Lord to donate from what I have inherited from my late
husband to charity through you for the good work of humanity, rather than allow
my relatives to use my husband’s hard earned funds inappropriately.I have always
lived with the stigma as a barren woman through this past years of my life..

I have asked the Lord to forgive me all my sins and I believe he has, because He
is merciful. I will be going in for an operation, and I pray that I survive the
operation. I have decided to WILL/Donate the sum of Two Million Dollars
($2,000,000 USD) To charity through you for the good work of the Lord, and to
help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the
widows.At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls,due to the fact that my
relatives are around me and I have been restricted by my doctor from taking
telephone calls because I deserve all the rest I can get. Presently, I have
informed my personal consultant about my decision in WILLING this fund to
charity through you. I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you
abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to
others. If you are interested in carrying out this task, I will inform my
consultant/Family Lawyer, so that he can arrange the release of the funds!
to you.

I decided that 35% of this money should be taken by you from the total sum upon
the success release of this fund, because I am now too weak and fragile to do
things myself because of my cancer.I am sincerely aware of the scams coming out
of the world, but i can assure that every thing will be handled by my attorney
without breaking the bridge of law, and he will provide you every legal document
you may need in the cost of making you the sole beneficiary to the charitable
funds..I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the
task is accomplished, as I don’t want anything that will jeopardize my last
wish, due to the fact that I do not want relatives or family members standing in
the way of my last wish Please kindly reply me via this email:
mrsaliceking@hotmail.com

I will be very glad to hear from you.

Your sincerely

Mrs.Alice King..

You gotta trust a Nigerian scam letter that claims it is NOT a scam. I mean, COME ON. SHE SAID IT IS NOT A SCAM! However, I must wonder about a woman who is dying, and cannot talk on the phone, but has access to a computer. If she can’t get away to have a little chat on the phone, does she REALLY think her suspicious relatives are not going to notice she is ON THE COMPUTER?

I think I’ll pass on this little venture. Instead, I shall go to AOL and update my billing information, which APPARENTLY is incorrect and my service will VERY SOON be interrupted. Never mind that the ADDRESS they have given me is NOT an AOL address. I shall rush right over there and update my “till” outdated information.

Dear valued member

Our records show that your AOL payment information is till outdated. Please take a moment to update your account information. This will prevent an interruption in your AOL services, including a compromise in your safety and security updates.

To update your information now, https://bill.aol.com.

Here you can update your contact information, view your billing statements, update your payment method and change your price plan anytime.

Sincerely,

AOL Member Services
AOL LLC

Perhaps I should give them the keys to my car, as well. Dear valued member? AOL at least knows my screenname! Criminals, do your homework. I wasn’t even CLOSE to falling for this one.

Then there was this.

Dear Website Owner,

If I could get you five times the RELEVANT traffic at a substantially reduced cost would you be interested? We can place your website on top of the Natural Listings on Google, Yahoo and MSN. Our Search Engine Optimization team delivers more top rankings than anyone else and we can prove it. We do not use “link farms” or “black hat” methods that Google and the other search engines frown upon and can use to de-list or ban your site. The techniques are proprietary, involving some valuable closely held trade secrets. Our prices are less than half of what other companies charge.

I would be happy to send you a proposal using the top search phrases for your area of expertise. Please contact me at your convenience so I can start saving you some money. Please do not hesitate to email or call me if you would like further information.

Sincerely,
Neal Stone
Executive Vice President

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NEWBURY PARK, CA 91320-3448 – USA

818.264.4118 ext.106

Profitable Internet Marketing

To unsubscribe from further e-mail contact from our mailing list, please click here.

You can’t even keep your EMAIL from going to my SPAM folder. I think I’ll pass. Finally, there was this.

Attention: Major protest at Temple Square sidewalk during huge Genesis Group (Black Mormon) meeting now scheduled for 7pm, June 8th, 2008, Tabernacle, Salt Lake City, Utah

Dear Friends,

About 5,000 Mormons (many of them black) will be meeting in the Tabernacle on Sunday, June 8th, 2008, to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the “1978 Revelation” that lifted the 130 year old “Curse of Cain” that prohibited blacks from the temple and priesthood of the Mormon Church. The meeting will run from 7pm until 8:30pm.

Attendees are being asked to get seated in their seats in the Tabernacle by 6:30 pm. People will begin to arrive at the Temple Square gate on North Temple Street by 5:30pm, to wait in line at the flagpole near the North Gate on North Temple Street. The Tabernacle is expected to be filled to capacity, with people turned away.

The LDS Church has decided to simply “deny” it ever taught that blacks are “cursed” or “the children of Cain”. This is what LDS Public Affairs has been telling people for years. We wish to protest their campaign of deception.

You are asked to bring a large sign reading, “What is the Curse of Cain Doctrine?” and “Why were blacks BANNED from Mormon Temples for 130 years?” and protest in front of the North Temple Street gate to Temple Square from 5:30 to 7pm and from 8pm to when crowds disperse, on Sunday, June 8th, 2008. The news media will be there.

If you get there by 5pm there will still be parking available on the north and south sides of Temple Square, but get there by 5pm.

Please be on the sidewalk at the Temple Square entrance on North Temple (across the street from the LDS Conference Center) by 5:30pm, with your signs, on Sunday, June 8th, 2008.

Please somebody bring a cam-corder. Somebody bring a cam-corder and conceil it, and wait until a Mormon (almost always a polynesian Mormon) comes up to one of the protestors. Then take the camcorder out and begin to film. Bring it out whenever LDS Security approaches a protestor. When I used to protest in front of Temple Square I was assaulted a number of times by polynesian Mormons (threatened with death, my genitals grabbed, pushed, spit upon, called a “faggot” and “howly”….LDS Security would laugh and shake their heads, and the Salt Lake City police did nothing). LDS Security will say, “Leave or we’ll have you arrested”. Make sure to document all threats and lies via cam-corder. The evidence may be used in court later if one of the protestors is assaulted or threatened or spit upon.

Make sure to get to Temple Square by 5pm while there is still parking on the street. Start protesting by 5:30 until 7pm. Take a one hour break between 7pm and 8pm, then go back to protesting from 8pm until the crowds are gone.

The newsmedia has been informed and will be there to cover the event and the protestors! If they interview you say, “We are protesting the FACT that the LDS Church has never publicly apologized for the Curse of Cain doctrine they taught for 130 years, the black people are CURSED and the children of Cain! The LDS Church leaders have never repudiated that doctrine, nor apologized for it. LDS Church public affairs is telling non-mormons ‘Hey, we never taught it!’ They are LYING. THAT is what we are protesting here today!”

Keep the protest about the Curse of Cain Doctrine and the fact that the LDS Church has not publicly apologized for it and is telling non-mormons ‘We never taught it’, not about Mormonism, Joseph Smith, etc. The purpose of the protest is to get young Mormons (who know nothing about the Curse of Cain legacy) to start asking questions. If you get off on tangents, the purpose will be nullified. If you attack Joseph Smith, Mormonism, etc., the young Mormons will NOT believe a “word” you have to say! But, if you protest “the Curse of Cain Doctrine” young Mormons will ask, “What’s that?” That is what we want. Mormon leaders want “the best of both worlds”. They want this history to fade away without them apologizing for it. And they are getting their wish.

Thank you very much. I will try to be there if I can. Good luck, and God bless!
Darrick Evenson

Why in the hell would I want to do THAT? And who the hell are you, anyway? I really get irritated when people tell me what to do, especially people I don’t know, and this entire EMAIL is telling me what to do. It even tells me what to SAY! I think have this ex-Mormon stuff down pat, friend. I don’t need anyone putting words in my mouth.

There are several things I do NOT do. I do not eat yogurt with fruit at the bottom, because that is just gross and unnatural and nothing bothers me more than eating something almost gone, just to find that there is a SURPRISE at the bottom. No thank you. I do not wear socks with sandals because despite the fact my kids think I’m a dork, let me reassure you that I am not THAT big of a dork. And I do NOT protest at Temple Square. I don’t particularly appreciate the Mormons coming to bug me on my turf, so I believe that I should not go bug them on theirs.

So, what did you have in YOUR spam folder today?

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About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
This entry was posted in Natalie's Posts. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Fun with Spam

  1. Tracy says:

    Wow! All I get is ,”Grow your penis larger” spam.

    At least yours are interesting.

    Like

  2. Erin says:

    Don’t you just love how all the “you’ve won money” e-mails you get are from hotmail or gmail or yahoo accounts? The last interesting spam I had was from some princess telling me I would get $800,000.00. I could really use that money too!

    Like

  3. Cele says:

    I have an account that is basically just for spam, so I don’t even look any more. Spam doesn’t get through my account with any regularity. And yes I count my blessings. But at work, I use to get well over a thousand spam on the weekends, now it’s down to a manageable 400 or so. But I don’t tend to read it.

    Like

  4. azteclady says:

    I don’t read whatever spam I get. Usually, if I don’t recognize the sender it gets deleted.

    Of course, this has gotten me in a bit of hot water with a couple of people I know (relatives, what you gonna do?) who have weird ass email addys and couldn’t be bothered to write something distinctive in the subject line–so their emails got marked as spam 😀

    Oh well, if it was important, they can always write again–or call 😉

    Have a good weekend, everyone!

    Like

  5. isolde.keene says:

    Wow… you got Darrick Evanson spam. I was hoping he’d moved onto the Sunni/Shia debate because he’s running out of religions to join and apostatize from. He’s been pushing a wacking brand of Daheist teachings recently (he’s a cease-and-Daheist)

    You have arrived!

    Like

  6. Magic says:

    I have won so many lotteries it is just not fair! Also I too apparently have a small penis. Why yes I do…I am a girl!

    Like

  7. Sharon Nichols says:

    Last time I checked my spam folder I had all these great titles like “Get More Flesh On Your Pole!” I wrote them all down and read them onstage at a poetry event.

    Oh, by the way, I just got this one:

    “Hello Blessed Human,
    We are a bevy of curious people who reside on the moon. We dress like Quakers and live to be a thousand years old. We hear you have Sun Chips down there now. Could you please rocket some up?
    Pay Lay Ale!
    The Moon People

    Like

  8. nerdycellist says:

    Is it me or is this Evanson person somewhat obsessed by Pacific Islanders?
    My Samoan granddad was about 5’2″ and built like a bocce ball. I don’t think he served any of his missions in Temple Square though.

    Like

  9. I made a little story out of real spam subjects. You can read it here:
    http://blog.maysoft.org/blog.nsf/d6plinks/JunkMailJunkie

    Like

  10. Alan Avans says:

    Darrick Evenson is obsessed with with his own screwy agenda. He’s drifted from religion to religion, gainsaying them all when he figured out that he couldn’t make them as racist as he is and that he couldn’t take them over. He can’t take over the Baha’is, the Community of Christ, the Strangites, Unity, and now he’s failing to take over his latest victims, the Daheshists.

    He’s written a political platform that all but promises to put anyone who isn’t Aryan into concentration camps…why he didn’t just go all the way and propose it directly I don’t know. He also started a one-man party called the White Aryan Separatist Libertarian Party or some such. Having not been able to convert the Daheshists to racism and fascism, he publicly told Daheshists that he was just going to teach whatever he wanted to teach in the name of Daheshism…a religon that doesn’t even seek to evangelize in the first place. Frikkin’ whackjob.

    In short, Darrick Evenson is a fascist and a racist. He couldn’t care less about the blacks that he says the LDS Church owes an apology to. He’s just looking for an angle that get him sufficient attention to start at long last to gather something resembling a following. Truly pathetic.

    Like

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