Dreams brought to you tonight by Percocet (ramblings, too)

Soooo, Jesus Solorio, who was one of the top ten finalists on SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, came into the laundromat tonight and was helping me straighten up. He’s such a nice young man. And of course, he sensed I was rattled, because this was immediately after I had the shootout with the other, not-so-nice young hispanic man who wanted to drive my trailer away. He won.

You just can’t argue with a Smith and Wesson, you know.

I still like the percocet better than the vicodin (hey, it was Jesus Solorio vs. Joseph Smith. I’m going with Jesus).

Wow, after going back and reading what I’ve written, I realize that if you didn’t know better, you would think it was JE-SUS vs. Joseph Smith, and we could go back and rehash all that Merry Smithmas business.

Some of you may be wondering why the heck I was dreaming about Jesus Solorio, while I think the OBVIOUS question is WHY THE HECK AM I DREAMING ABOUT JOSEPH SMITH?

I’ve actually met Jesus. My Dancing Daughter is in a routine he choreographed for our studio, and he’s a real sweetheart. As opposed to Joseph Smith, who is dead. But he had more than a few sweethearts, I hear…

And personally, I understand the Joseph Smith dreams. I am temporarily living BACK with my parents, and they sorta idolize Joseph Smith, so there are more than a few pictures of him around here.

The most amusing “Saint” sighting though, as far as I am concerned, is a tiny cutout picture of JESUS on the cupboards in my mom’s laundry room. Not JAY-SUS Solorio, but THE JESUS, brought to you by the imagination of the white people of America, of course, since no one knows what he really looked like.

It’s just a picture from a magazine, and I’m not sure if he’s the patron saint of the laundry or what. My mother is NOT Catholic, so I doubt she would get that patron saint stuff anyway. So, when I started thinking about Jesus helping with laundry, I remembered all that folderoll about Jesus Toast. Remember that? You don’t? You haven’t LIVED until Jesus has showed up on your toast. So guess what? I found this VERY funny site that shows people how to make your OWN PERSONAL JESUS TOAST.

Afterward, you can try and sell it on eBay.

Here’s a few more random ramblings, because it’s 2:42 a.m., and I’m awake but a bit loopy, feeling like ca ca.


When Bishop S. showed up at my door, and we had our “discussion,” he asked me if it would be all right if they invited us to “Neighborhood parties,” and just left us alone for Church stuff. “Well, SURE,” I stupidly said.

So, now that I am residing with my parents, I have made a few discoveries. Neighborhood Parties is CODE for WARD PARTY. Really. I promise. I have no idea if this is some Churchwide thingie, but my dad had these fliers for their “ward party.” He kept talking about the “ward party.” Then he handed me the flier, and it said “NEIGHBORHOOD PARTY” right at the top.

So, of course, an entire discussion evolved, courtesy of moi, about how it is deceptive to call these Neighborhood Parties, when in fact they are WARD PARTIES. And so my parents said that they call them Neighborhood Parties, because they ARE neighborhood parties. Anyone is invited, and if they didn’t call them what they call them, the non-Mormons would not want to come. “So why don’t you just tell them the truth?”

“Well, we don’t want them to feel excluded.”

“But, this is deceptive. You are not really having a neighborhood party. You are having a WARD PARTY.”

This further evolved into a discussion about new neighbors, and about how wouldn’t it be nice if you just WALKED UP TO NEW NEIGHBORS and introduced yourself, and didn’t tell them what time the ward meetings are! When you do that, they feel as though there is an ulterior motive (there is).

So then my dad pulled out this miracle drug he is using, CoQ10, and said, “Here.” Nothing else. (This is an object lesson, by the King of Object Lessons, my dad.) So being the smart ass that I am, I picked up the bottle and told him all about it, because, well, HE HAS TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT. He laughed. And you gotta give him credit for it, since I ruined his entire object lesson, which was, “IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING REALLY WONDERFUL, WOULDN’T YOU WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW ABOUT IT?”

At this point, I took it further, and said, “Why don’t you just introduce yourself, and wait until you get to know them before you talk ‘religion.’ Religion is a very personal thing. It’s rude and presumptive to invite someone to your church before you even know if they kill kittens and wail at the moon when it’s full. Or what if, say, they are the descendants of Holocaust victims? Wouldn’t it be nice to share a PERSONAL relationship with a person before you tried to drive-by Baptize them?” (I’m pretty sure I didn’t say that last part. But I can’t be certain.)

Then my DAD pulled this story out of his HAT (I was going to say ass, but that would not be nice, and I like my dad) about a “FAMILY” (unnamed of course) who told the “ward leaders” that they were really upset because NO ONE EVER INVITED THEM TO CHURCH.

At that point, my mother started calling me Miss Percocet and I gave up. Bet you’ll be glad when I’m well, won’t you?


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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21 Responses to Dreams brought to you tonight by Percocet (ramblings, too)

  1. azteclady says:

    I will be very glad when you are well, yes, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t entertaining as all get out right now, Natalie *grin* Good luck today!


  2. Kane says:

    Who, Jeebus??


  3. George says:

    Were you still trippin from th e Percocet when you wrote this?hehehe I like it! Of course you have to have Jesus posted everywhere in the house, your capacity to sin while you’re under the watchful eye of the Lord is diminished!
    Get well soon!


  4. Renee says:

    Natalie, I love you when you are on percocet but not why you are on it! You are funny anyway, but bwaaahhaaaahhaaa.

    Speedy recovery to you!


  5. Natalie says:

    Percocet is my FRIEND, George. Much better than the evil Vicodin….

    I am now headed to the hospital for the second time today. We went earlier, but the doctor had an emergency, and I got pushed back. So, now we are headed out.

    No more percocet posts. Sorry to disappoint, folks.


  6. azteclady says:

    Here’s wishing you as little pain as possible, and a speedy recovery, Natalie!


  7. Kate says:

    Natalie….I wish you godspeed on your recovery. Your percocet posts are so funny, but it brings to mind an incident that happened to my daughter at the hands of the lost souls in this local ward area.
    We moved into our house in the middle of December from California. Since it was just before christmas time, my husband and I went out to dinner and then do some shopping. My 16 year old chose to stay home alone. After about an hour or so, I receive a FRANTIC call from her….she is scared to death….TERRIFIED. She tells me that 3 mini vans, spewing out a huge group of people have pulled up to the house, that some are knocking on the door, and the rest are tresspassing in the driveway…..what should she do? Call the police?? SHE IS SO SCARED. (In CA if 3 cars pull up in front of your house, you need call the cops as you grab your gun and try to make a run for it)
    I tell her we are on our way home, and ask her what they are doing now….she says they’ve started to sing christmas carols! I relax at this point, and tell her to simply stay inside and ignore them and maybe they’ll go away. I keep her on the phone until they finally leave, and we pull into the driveway a few minutes later.
    These lost souls in their eagerness to “do good”, didn’t even have the common sense to think of the harm their actions could cause. Not everone who lives in Utah is from Utah! Some of us are from the real world.


  8. Tracy says:

    Percocet rules!


  9. JulieAnn says:

    Oh you’ll be needing the big P for a while after surgery. We aren’t done with you yet, Miss Natalie! LOL


  10. Natalie says:

    JulieAnn is correctaMUNDO. There are more percocet postings in your futures! Kate, I LOVED your Christmas Caroling story. LOLOL.


  11. azteclady says:

    And sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’s back, ladies and gents!

    Hope you are feeling at least a BIT better, Natalie! *cyber hugs*


  12. Cele says:

    The Caroling story is a hoot Kate, gosh I use to love caroling when I lived in California, but caroling in the Oregon rain is a damper.

    Natalie feel better soon please


  13. Natalie says:

    Hey, azteclady! Thanks. I am feeling a bit better. But look forward to more Percocet Posts through the week….


  14. George says:

    Natalie Percocet rules! Can’t wait! Oh, you should take P when you’re better, not crappy-gotta-go-to-surgery, and write a book about the momos, staring with Joseph all the way through Hinckley! I wish I could send you flowers…. @>-/-


  15. WendyP says:

    Neighborhood Parties is CODE for WARD PARTY.

    You speak the truth. We have our “neighborhood party” every year on July 24th! No lie. This year the teens in the neighborhood even entertained us with their rendition of “Pioneer Children Sang as They Walked and Walked and Walked…” I’m friends with the woman who organizes the “neighborhood party” each year and she even told me the bishop was the one who initiated the idea for the “neighborhood party” as a way to reach out to the less active and non-members.

    OMG, feel better. You poor gal!


  16. Renee says:

    And, Natalie, in defense of your dad, I actually DID complain to my neighbor that at first we got asked to the “Ward Parties” and now we don’t. Yes, she is LDS. And I did use the words “Ward Party”. I think ours is this weekend, haven’t gotten my invite yet but my neighbor promised my hubby the other night we were invited. And we go and just chuckle our butts off. It is the funniest thing ever. Just don’t call me “Sister” unless you call me “Sister Christian”….MOTORING!


  17. Natalie says:

    Hey Wendy,

    Good to see your FIL doing so well!

    I’m telling you, there is a MASSIVE conspiracy amongst the Mormons and this code word: Neighborhood Party stuff. I’m telling you…. LOL.

    Renee, it was YOU! LOLOL.


  18. INTJ_Mom says:

    I hope you are recovering well. They call them neighborhood parties in our area here as well. We were confused at first as to who was actually putting on the parties.

    I had to laugh at the cutouts of Jesus you talked about in your mom’s house. The mom of the neighbor kid my son has played with this summer has pictures of Jesus taken from I’m guessing the Children’s Friend and the Ensign taped up all over their house, no frames or anything just ripped out of the magazines and taped at the top of the page to the wall. Those were their only artwork/wall decorations last time I was there – which was a few months ago.


  19. INTJ_Mom says:

    I forgot to include – at least your dad isn’t pushing Xango on you. CoQ10 is at least a lot more affordable.


  20. Pingback: purgatory (daytime ramblings of an insomniac) « how to disappear completely

  21. Janet says:

    note on the pictures at your parents house – interesting that there are many of Joseph Smith but only one of Jesus -makes it very clear where the mormon priority lies.

    hope you are all healed up by now Natalie – percocet can be a very interesting trip


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