Ya know, I really try to be nice….

I do. Because being mean and nasty never really got anyone anywhere, except maybe temporarily ahead in life until karma catches up with you. But sometimes, SOME PEOPLE, just TEST YOUR PATIENCE until you have none left, and you just have to let loose.

For example, I give you THIS comment by Wayne, the faithful, Kool-aid drinking, Jesus-Jammie wearing, MORMON.

Now Wayne has irritated me in the past, but don’t feel bad faithful Mormons. Compared to the irritation I feel, I am a BURR UNDER HIS JESUS JAMMIES RIGHT NEXT TO HIS…well, you know…. It’s a constant itch that the man SWEARS he is going to go to the doctor and fix (aka, leave this blog and never, ever, ever, EVER EVER come back again), but he just can’t. The truth is, Wayne is a highly addicted Trappee. He LOVES me. He comes back again and again and again, usually to tell you all how I am going to lead people into violence against Mormons (Wayne, if ANYONE could lead people into violence against Mormons, it’s YOU! Right now, hordes of people are trying to find out your address just so they can drive to your house, unhook your modem or DSL connection, and take you to the nearest TRAPPED rehab center.)

Or perhaps, Wayne’s family is right now forming a good old fashioned plan for a TRAPPED INTERVENTION. PUT DOWN THE MOUSE, WAYNE, and step away from the computer.

Wayne’s latest nugget of wisdom is this:

Wayne Says:

August 16th, 2007 at 1:00 pm

I was thinking: If Natalie WERE to get her name off of the records of the Church, (which I don’t think she does), it would upset the premise of her web-site.
What I mean for instance is:
What would she then call her web-site? Maybe something like: “Un-trapped by the Mormons”, or maybe “Finally!! Released from the Mormons”. Or maybe “Free at last from the Mormons”.
Then if it were to happen: What would she then write about? She would then be different from all the other “Trapped Mormons” who love to spend their time defending her with their blogs, to help her put down all of us mean Mormons.
She would rather spend hours, days, weeks, months and years writing about her trials of being “Trapped by the Mormons”, rather than take a comparative small amount of time writing a 30 min letter to the church reminding them of the former efforts. It might even take making a copy of the same letter she posted on this web-site and sending it to Church headquarters.

Um, Wayne????? I DID request my name off, REMEMBER. Did you read and COMPREHEND any little tiny bit of what I wrote? Johnny did. For all his comments, Mormon Johnny has said time and time again that the issue of Mormon Church resignation lies with the CHURCH. The problem is on their end, and many members of the church, like Johnny, are frustrated with the system. He has suggested I try to call this problem to the attention of the media. I am doing that. Go Johnny! Can I call you Johnny Lingo? Oh wait, I’m showing my age, aren’t I?

But Wayne? Wayne says, “I was thinking: If Natalie WERE to get her name off of the records of the Church, (which I don’t think she does), it would upset the premise of her web-site.”

Wayne? I’m thinking THINKING is bad for you. Perhaps it would be better if you DIDN’T think. Because even while thinking, your sentence structure is so poor it makes no sense. “If Natalie WERE to get her name off of the records of the Church, (Which I don’t think she does), it would upset the premise of her web-site.” You don’t think I do WHAT??? You don’t think I get my name off the records of the Church? You right. I don’t. It no workee.

My Web site, as azteclady pointed out, is www.nataliercollins.com. You are reading my blog, or online journal, which I have VERY tongue-in-cheek-ly entitled, Trapped by the Mormons. This title, which I would LOVE to have come up with on my own, is borrowed from a very old, very campy silent movie. It’s JUST FUNNY, Wayne. Get a sense of humor. Borrow one if you have to, because you really need it.

As a WRITER, I WRITE about lots of things. I write books about dance and crazy psycho dance moms, and those are mysteries. I write about serial killers who have never met Mormons, and those are suspense fiction. And I write SUSPENSE BOOKS set in Utah, in the culture I grew up in. I own the right to WRITE about my right to WRITE. For my next book, I am thinking of proposing a book about serial killers who have never met Mormons, but happen upon my blog, and swear a vendetta against all Mormons based SOLELY ON WAYNE’S COMMENTS. Whew. I must have been channeling Wayne there or something.

And when is the last time I wrote about a MEAN MORMON???? Hmmm?? Just point it out, Wayne. The LAST PERSON WHO WROTE ABOUT A MEAN MORMON on this blog was, well, YOU, in the comments, when you wrote about the whackjob who attacked his hometeachers and then you tried to imply that I was responsible for his violence. HE WAS A MEAN MORMON. My Mormons are just silly.

FYI, I have three blogs. This one, www.murdershewrites.com, and jennytpartridge.wordpress.com. I know you’ll be sad, Wayne, but I only write about MORMONS in this one. That means I spend more than a few hours not writing about Mormons. Sorry to disappoint.

I WRITE, Wayne. I have contract with THREE DIFFERENT NEW YORK PUBLISHERS. I write three blogs. I help friends write resumes. I help my Mormon dad write up all kinds of things. I ARE WRITER. Er. eh, sorry, channeling Wayne again.

I suggest YOU GET A GRIP, Wayne, and either stay away or learn to deal with my acerbic style. As it is, you give me a lot of fodder, and you don’t seem to realize that. I could do a blog a week on your comments. I could call it, Wayne’s World, yet another title that I sadly did not BRILLIANTLY think up. All the best ideas are already taken.

There. Now I feel better.

FYI, copy of letter went to Bishop S. of “my ward,” along with a copy to Church HQ. Will keep all posted. And give it up, Wayne. Even if they finally do take my name off, I’m not going to change the title, because it is DAMN FUNNY.

Now, let’s hope they find those miners alive.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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11 Responses to Ya know, I really try to be nice….

  1. azteclady says:

    I have been following the rescue efforts through the media *wincing at the slanting and politicking* and praying the miners have found a space where they can hold on. I know it’s a long while, but there have been extraordinary cases of longterm survival under horrible circumstances (like during the Sept 19, 1985 earthquake that hit Mexico City–some people survived upwards of a week without food nor water, literally BURIED by the rubble). So I keep hoping and praying.


  2. INTJ_Mom says:

    Ahhh…my withdrawal pains have ceased. 😉 I send out my best vibes for the welfare of the lost miners as well. Wayne really makes me laugh, I kinda hope he sticks around myself. Even if the Morg does finally remove your name, you’re still kinda trapped by the mormons since you live in Utah and are surrounded by so many. Mormonism just permeates pretty much every nook and cranny of the culture in Utah. The title would still fit, in my opinion, in a figurative sense as opposed to it currently fitting in both a literal and figurative sense. Just my .02.


  3. Renee says:

    Now let’s pray or think of the rescuers who have been killed/injured tonight. That mine is a death trap. My thoughts with all of those in the area who are affected.


  4. Natalie says:

    Very, very sad! Godspeed to the miner who lost his life trying to find the other miners.


  5. Cele says:

    Uhh, errr, Natalie? You write on four blogs dear, you forgot Inside the Dog.

    And apparently I need to go check the news. thank you Renee.


  6. Natalie says:

    They are now reporting that THREE of the rescue workers have died. What horrible, horrible news. 😦


  7. Johnny says:

    “….Can I call you Johnny Lingo? Oh wait, I’m showing my age, aren’t I?…”

    Johhny Lingo???? Now you’re really scaring me (I hope this isn’t a racial thing??? no no j/k.)

    Wayne seems to have rattled you a bit there. Maybe his comments where also tongue in check? But I Don’t know; but they don’t seem serious to me; as a serious theory. But then again I haven’t read every comment entry or being here very long.

    Just one question: how is your relationship with your mormon parents? I often wonder what its like in Utah because here it isn’t a major thing (an ex mormon relative) since typically all families have non member close relatives or sons who stopped joing to chruch as adults (more common) Just wondering.

    oh, & I didn’t know about the other site, especially murder she writes.
    Oh, &, do you use ‘morg’ for mormon girl?? What’s it mean in Utah-land. ?


  8. Natalie says:

    Nah, Wayne didn’t rattle me Johnny. Annoyed, yes. Rattled? Nope. Heard it all before. He is DEFINITELY not tongue in cheek. I’m pretty sure his tongue has never even MET his cheek, or he would understand my writing a bit better. I’m sure he is a perfectly nice man, but he has NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

    As to your question, I actually get along well with my Mormon parents. We had our rocky times, because when you believe that there is ONLY ONE TRUE THING, well, you want your kids to believe it, too. But they have adjusted.

    Morg is actually a term that–I believe–was coined in reference to the Star Trek’s Borg. Not being a Trekkie myself, I can’t give you much more information than that, but it is something that was picked up by ex-Mormons, and is a reference to the church itself.


  9. Natalie says:

    Hey, Johnny, you have heard of Johnny Lingo, right? I might have to find you a reference. It’s a throwback from my young Mormon girl days….


  10. C. L. Hanson says:

    I think it would be hilarious if you changed the name of your blog to “Free at last from the Mormons.” Actually succeeding at getting off their records wouldn’t ruin your blog at all.


  11. Johnny says:

    Johnny Lingo? yeap, unfortunately so. And recently they made a feature film out of it but just a corney as the slide-show? was it called a slide-show back then? can’t remember now.

    And on that morg thing, I heard it on big love, episode one, but they used it for ‘mormon girl’; I’m still confused there.


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