Trapped by the Mormons–redux

Occasionally, I get emails accusing me of lying. Emails from angry Mormons. They refuse to believe I am TRAPPED. They think I have lied about my “Mormon” status, and they think that if someone wants to leave, it is no big deal. RIGHT. A lot of years ago (I believe it was ’89) I sent the letter in, got ignored, got ignored, got IGNORED again, then got ignored. So I called the bishop and threatened repercussions. His children forgot to give him that message.

Finally I threatened to dance naked on his lawn. That got him going. So, my husband and I got a letter confirming we had been removed from the records, along with all kinds of nasty warnings about the “eternal consequences” of our decision. Please. Give me a break. There are no consequences.

And why not? BECAUSE THEY STILL THINK WE ARE FUCKING MORMONS. My apologies. It slipped out. Oops, I said the “F” word. I’ve been so much better lately. My bad.

Look folks, years ago I asked to be let out, they said my husband and I were no longer members, and they THREATENED us, with those eternal consequences, and then THEY PUT US BACK ON. What is the point of going through all that? This is why I say, “You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave. ” Thanks, Eagles.

I came home tonight to a nice note from the Relief Society president, and a copy of the ward directory. Our ward GIRL leader wants to MEET with me. Hmmm. Says she has tried to meet me but I must be one BUSY LADY. Here is her note:

Hi Natalie~~I have tried several times to meet you, but you are one busy lady. I would love to get to know you & extend our love & support in whatever way you need it most!!!

Sister XXXXXXX has told me what a wonderful person you are. I will try later to say hi. Thanks, RS president (this was her name, but I’m not going to name her. )

This came with a ward directory, confirming that WE ARE MORMONS. We are all listed there. They appear to have corrected the error that had me listed TWICE, under my maiden name, with my daughter DD and a son named Robert that none of us can find. But folks? If you don’t want to be a Mormon anymore, shouldn’t you be allowed to leave?

Nope. If you are a Mormon, you are a Mormon for life. And so I have embraced this, much to the discontent of my many naysayers, those Mormon folk who think I have no right to WRITE about Mormonism. But guess what? As long as Mormonism EMBRACES me, I will EMBRACE IT. Sort of. I will tell you what I THINK about it, and they will probably tell you what THEY think. I have the right. They have the right.

Somebody pass the funeral potatoes.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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14 Responses to Trapped by the Mormons–redux

  1. Cele says:

    Natalie it would be funny if it wasn’t so darn frustrating for you. Maybe a lot of us should just go dance on both hers and the bishop’s lawns.


  2. Tracy says:

    Maybe you should wear a tang top to a relief society meeting, or whatever they’re called. Not having been a Mormon, I don’t know the correct terms, please excuse my ignorance.

    P.S. Make Jello shots for the same said meeting.


  3. mlbower says:

    Speaking of Jello shots, they now make margarita and pina colada flavored jello.
    Just thought I would mention it.


  4. azteclady says:

    Or you could just print a bunch of copies of your Trapped by the Mormons anecdote to distribute to any and all callers–lost missionaries, relief society presidents, etc. etc. etc…

    Not that it would work, mind, but it would be a hoot to see their faces.


  5. Tracy says:


    Natalie could post her Trapped by the Mormons anecdote to the door of the SLC temple, in the same way Marin Luther posted his 95 Theses on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg.

    Just a thought.


  6. INTJ_Mom says:

    This goes along with a comment I made a couple of entries back about how Mormons are brainwashed to think anything negative said about the church has to somehow be a lie. For them to admit that your stories, or any of the stories of the rest of us ex and inactive Mormons, could be true would be going against that brainwashing and indoctrination.


  7. Renee says:

    I’m with Tracy. Like I said before, except for about Catholics…some things never change.

    I’m just sayin….



  8. Paulina says:

    I think it is crazy that some people have no problems what so ever getting out and others it’s like they are in some kind of rat race. it does not makes sences at all.

    Hey maybe you should try for your recomened and then once inside discrase the temple so they have to tare out all the carpets and put new ones in


  9. INTJ_Mom says:

    Paulina, personally I think it depends on what area a person lives in that determines how hard or easy it is for them to get their name removed from church records. In states outside of Utah, especially where Mormons are few, there is more risk for a law suit if they give people a hard time about leaving.

    In Utah lawyers will laugh at you if you say you want to sue the Mormon church over this. The church knows they can get away with this kind of stuff in Utah because there are so many Mormons in the gov’t. and they aren’t going to argue with the church or do anything that might make the church look bad.

    Just my .02


  10. Rick says:

    I remember trying a couple of times to get my name off their records and they used the stall tactics. Eventually, I gave up and got over it. It’s not my problem and it’s not important to me.


  11. Sideon says:

    I sent certified letter to Greg Dodge and cc’d the asshole bishop who tried delay after delay tactic.

    I doubt they’d ever contact me again, but if so, I would gladly dance naked on his lawn and bring along the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence or a squad of Leathermen from SF. 🙂 Think I’d stay in the ward directory long?


  12. JulieAnn says:

    They let me out. ‘Course that was after I asked the bishop if I could sleep with his wife. *shrug*


  13. Natalie says:

    Ineresting tactic, JulieAnn. I like!!! Sideon, I like the idea of the squad of Leathermen from SF!!!


  14. Pingback: Trapped by the Mormons | The blog formerly known as Trapped by the Mormons

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