I still have no idea what this conversation was about….

Teenagers are mutants. I recently shared this little factoid with my daughter and her friend, although I was nice enough to say that teenage BOYS are mutants. They immediately agreed. And I beg ONE of you to argue that statement. I live by a junior high. Both my daughters are currently attending school with boys this age. I also taught SCHOOL for two years. I’m telling you. Mutants.

It’s a wonder they grow into useful, competent, law-abiding adults, albeit ones who send you nasty emails about your negativity and desire to “tear other people’s religion down.” Never mind that they most LIKELY just returned from an LDS mission (or have served said mission in the past) designed entirely to convince easily-duped people that MORMONS HAVE THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION, and only THEY, and anyone else who signs on to board the mother ship, will be going to God’s special spot, i.e, the Celestial Kingdom. The rest of you are doomed to an eternity spent on a place a lot like our present existence. You want your multiple wives and children (heterosexual males only need apply)? Better be joining yourself up quickly. As for me? Outer Darkness is my destination. At least according to the mutants. But I digress.

Teenage boys poke holes in each other with pens and laugh. They walk down the middle of the street and glare at you if you dare to drive your CAR down said street, as though they are invincible. They beat the shit out of each other one minute, and are best friends the next. In short… Mutants. Perhaps they have all their body parts, and no extra ones, but still….

Of course, teenage girls are little better. Consider this conversation I overheard, between Dancing Daughter and Chatter Child.

“So, it was like totally cool, and then I was like, man, you are so, like out there.”

“Oh. My. God. Are you, like, kidding me? She totally said that? That is so like, whoa dude, majorly stupid.”

“Dude! Like, what did you say?”

“I said, like, you are so not cool.”

I have to say, like, what the fuck? (Although not to their faces, because they ARE after all, children. Mutants, but child mutants.)

And there you have it. I have given birth to mutants. Possibly mutant valley girls, who are channeling Cheech and Chong while attempting to give President Bush a run for his money…..

There is no hope for tomorrow. Better go back to Church.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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13 Responses to I still have no idea what this conversation was about….

  1. Cele says:

    Oh mi gosh I so totally almost blogged about teenage boys this morning. To funny. You forgot their penchance for farting in public, thinking they can say anything on the air and are exempt from retribution or rebuttal. Oh, maybe I will still blog about them, I feel the angst building again. Dude, later.


  2. WendyP says:

    I just went to a Superbowl party with my extended family, and the big word now with teens seems to be “retarded”. “That’s retarded!” You’re retarded!” It even spills over to the parents saying the same phrases. I must have heard the word “retarded” three dozen times in the span of a few hours.

    I know I have an over-active sense of liberal guilt and political correctness, but to hear that word over and over and over and over and over, I couldn’t help but think maybe THEY were mentally slow. 🙂

    My oldest is 10. No valley talk yet, but I’m sensing it in the near future. Help!


  3. Natalie says:

    Hey, that’s Jenni’s favorite word! 😉 It’ll happen, Wendy. Your children will begin to interject “like” every third, possibly fourth, word. It’s inevitable. Maybe we can form a support group. Mothers against Valley Talkers. Doesn’t have the same ring as MADD, does it?

    Cele, I could have gone ON AND ON about the teenage mutants. I will never for the life of me understand why gas–and whose is the most noxious– is an accomplishment.


  4. WendyP says:

    Haha Natalie! I wasn’t going to name any names, but the truth of the matter is Jenni was only one of probably six people that kept saying that word over and over. I’ve always hated that expression and it makes me cringe. I cringed all night! Don’t tell! LOL

    Jenni knows I love her. We balance each other out. She’s the fun-loving, care-free sort and I’m the ultra-neurotic, fight-the-power type. It takes all kinds.


  5. Natalie says:

    Yeah, I know what you mean, Wendy. Jenni and I are very different, too, but we mesh. It’s all good.


  6. Mary BB says:

    Too funny!!! You crack me up!! (And you are soo right.)
    Thanks for my daily laugh!!! 🙂


  7. Dru Ann says:

    Sometimes when I talk to my niece, I need a teenager’s handbook.


  8. Natalie says:

    Is there one, Dru Ann? Because if so, I need it!


  9. T. W. says:

    Yeah, this is a complete estrogen fest — in which you show that all social groups have their unique methods of communication to differentiate themselves from other groups. I’d have to master the 😉 to truly belong here, I mean like totally, dude. So, yes I accept the gauntlet you have thrown down and say that teenage boys are not mutants. I will prove this with three compelling pieces of evidence.

    Exhibit A: Laban and Nephi Rap Video

    On the blog entitled The Shelf is Breaking, Angry Mormon Liberal posted a video of produced by The Elk Grove Priest Quorum, which retells the story of Laban and Nephi for gangsta rap crowd. Their take on Book of Mormon stories that my teacher used to tell me is virtuous, lovely, praiseworthy and of good report. We should seek after these things. Mutants are not capable of biting religious and social satire.

    Exhibit B: Mutant Returned Missionary Speaks

    Now, Natalie, let us not exaggerate the realm of glory you are headed to — the terrestial kingdom which is better than the telestial which is better than this world so much so that you would commit suicide to get there if you actually knew how good it was. Last I heard Outerdarkness was reserved for those that have certain knowledge that the Church was true and then deny that truth.
    1) I don’t think you want people thinking that at some point you knew the Mormon religion was true.
    2) I know it is hard for you to understand the Mormon hell, being female and all, but women’s inherent righteousness insures that the Celestial Kingdom is something akin to a Jan and Dean song — two girls for every boy. Teenage Mormon boys are mutants only to the extent that the religion they grew up in didn’t have a doctrinal hell to hang over their heads and the only threat to keep them in line was if they continued to look at girls lustily that they would be denied the pleasures of not just one, but two or more feminine companions in the hereafter. Understanding this concept, the conflicted behavior of teenage Mormon boys is totally explained on non-mutant grounds.

    Exhibit C: Alleged Mutant’s Two Teenage Daughters

    Raising two daughters, I can truly testify that only teenage girls qualify as “mutants.” Mutant is defined as an individual, organism, or new genetic character arising or resulting from an instance of mutation, which is a sudden structural change within the DNA of a gene or chromosome of an organism resulting in the creation of a new character or trait not found in the wildtype.

    Teenage boys are too predictable to be classified as mutants — testosterone laden sloths, maybe, but not mutants. With my daughters, genetic testing would prove that every two weeks results in fundamental changes in their DNA, the true definition of a mutant.

    I rest my case.


  10. T. W. says:

    Yes, I may be guilty of typos and spelling — I see them already. No need to point them out.


  11. Tracy says:

    My niece went though the “Like” phase, but she is thankfully past it. However she has been answering the phone, ” Bonjour.”



  12. dana priest says:

    I just have to talk to someone who knows about the venedictive and revengeful way of the LDS members, their lies to destroy someone who has walker away from the church BECAUSE that is what is happening to me right now and it is SCARY as hell. Please let me know if you want to hear the WHOLE story, I am currently, Literally, having my life threatened. thanks, dana


  13. Natalie says:

    Okay, TW, you convinced me. Sorta. LOL. Teens. They are ALL mutants. Interesting video.

    Tracy, be encouraged. Bonjour is good. It’s a different language, totally oppositional to Valley Speak. This is good.

    Dana? Um…. Not sure what to say here, except my MOM is a Mormon, and she doesn’t literally threaten anyone’s life, even when they walk away from her beloved religion. Perhaps you need to get yourself to the authorities. And report the Mormons you say are threatening your life.


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