Crack those nuts!

Yesterday we attended a matinee performance of Ballet West’s The Nutcracker. Dancing Daughter has a good role as a Party Girl in the annual performance. Mr. Collins was thrilled beyond belief at this opportunity to attend a function where men wear tights and little is left to the imagination, including those abovementioned “nuts.”

After the first fifteen minutes, he was ready to carve his own eyes out with a dull spoon. It would have been less painful. Incidentally, Dancing Daughter is in the first fifteen minutes. He had another hour and forty-five minutes to endure, minus the fifteen minute intermission.

I tried to ease his agony by pointing out plot points, and also dancers we knew who were performing, but to no avail. The Nutcracker was a painful experience for him, and not just because of the name. He has requested she not try out next year. Like that’s gonna happen.

Also present was DD’s older sister, Chatter Child, who brought along a friend. Both 14, they were fixated on the men in tights. They could not look away, and yet they were repelled by the sight. They are still at that age when staring at a man’s, er, bulge is unnatural and disgusting–PRAISE JESUS–and they simply couldn’t pay attention to the marvelous dancing. At least when the men in tights were out there.

The comment, “Eww, Mom, that is just not natural,” struck me as rather amusing.

“Actually,” I said, “It’s pretty natural. Just about as close as you get to natural without going naked.”

This was followed by a whole chorus of “Ewwwwws.”

We have to get our kicks somewhere.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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10 Responses to Crack those nuts!

  1. T.B. says:

    No more Nutcracker for me. Since the amazing weenie pills (bought over the internet) it would be too shocking for most folks. Do I have a lawsuit here?


  2. WendyP says:

    I thought my husband would hate the ballet too, but he loved it. I think it had a lot to do with the orchestra–he really liked the music.

    Regarding the men in tights, my mother in law (Judy) was obsessed with their butts. She went on and on about their buttocks, over dinner, after the performance. Hehe..


  3. Elaine says:

    I’ve done props for The Nutcracker and other ballets for several years now for a semi-professional company here where I live (not this year, unfortunately, as I have other obligations), and I think it is interesting how quickly one gets used to seeing men in tights. Although, the first year I did Nutcracker, my first introduction to one of the guest professionals, at rehearsal, was looking up from what I was doing (I was sitting on the floor at the time) and seeing a male behind (and a nice one, I might add) just inches from my eyes. Nearly got whiplash, I looked away so quickly so as not to seem to be staring. It was even more embarassing, for some reason, when I discovered that said dancer looked enough like Jon Bon Jovi to be his twin brother. Turned out to be a nice guy, as well. Then again, almost all of the professional dancers I’ve worked with have been much nicer than the conventional wisdom would have one believe.


  4. Tim, yeah right. WE ARE NOT FOOLED. Back away from the Internet, and put down that mouse. Hee hee.

    Wendy, since I KNOW Judy, that amuses me. LOL. They do have nice butts, though. The MUSCLES.

    Elaine, most of the dancers are nice, I agree. This year, I was amused by one principal (I served as a chaperone) who kept walking around backstage asking, “Snow Queen? About this high? Wearing a Tiara?”


  5. Oh I love it. 🙂 We love to torture children too. LOL


  6. Cele says:

    I have always enjoyed the ballet, shoot, any dance for the most part. But the Nutcracker is special; most men just don’t get past the name and that it is dance. My husband will pass on ballet everytime, but then surprised me with Riverdance tickets…twice. It’s a balancing act.

    Snow Queen…this high… too funny.


  7. Elaine says:

    Searching for the Snow Queen…that’s priceless. 🙂

    I did have one professional, who is also apparently a fairly big-deal choreographer in the Bay Area (we also debuted a new ballet of his at one point, which was cool to be involved with), who was a great dancer and nice guy but who couldn’t for the life of him figure out what to do with his props. Poor guy never knew how close I came to wringing his neck for abandoning his props all over the place so that I’d have to go searching for them after every performance.


  8. Your “Just about as close as you get to natural without going naked.” line is damn hilarious. I would have said the same thing to my kids, with the same reaction.

    Love it.


  9. Natalie says:

    He he. Thanks, Sister. I found it pretty hilarious that they said “that’s not natural” in the first place. I drive my kids crazy….


  10. And I’m sorry but your title to this post keeps playing in my mind to the tune of “Whip it Good” ~ you know the line, “Just Crack that Whip” only “Crack that Nut!”


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