Things I've Learned from the Internet

I’m still on my “No ‘M’ word kick, so I thought I’d take a minute and share with all of you a few of the things I’ve learned after spending time on the Internet. Incidentally, I FINALLY negotiated Myspace correctly, and I am NOW there!! Check it out.

Now, on to the TILFTI.

1. Africa is a dangerous place. SCORES of my relatives have died there. I don’t know them, and have no idea how they got there, but nonetheless, it appears to be true. Coincidentally, they are all quite wealthy. And they want to give ME that money!

2. A lot of other people from Africa ALSO want to give me money. It’s a reward, you see, for helping them secret millions out of THEIR country.

3. Horny housewives want to meet ME! They are lonely. They are also apparently bi-sexual, and not too picky.

4. I need Viagra.

5. There is a young boy in England who is dying, and his wish is to get into the Guiness Book of World Records for getting the most postcards/greeting cards/business cards. Please send yours now.

6. I can work from home! Stuffing envelopes really DOES make money!

7. Hot stock tips are regularly sent out as spam in emails. Whoulda thunk it?

8. I can get abovementioned Viagra WITHOUT a prescription. And it’s perfectly safe! This applies to a lot of other drugs, too.

9. “What” is actually spelled “wut.”

10. Why bother to write words out when you can use acronyms instead? In fact, I no longer laugh. I just LOL. It takes less time.

11. LOL can also be interpreted as “I have absolutely no interest in what you are saying, or have no idea how to answer this, so I will just LOL and you will think I find you vastly amusing.”

12. Web sites are a great tool, however, you will also attract numerous amounts of people who:

a. Neither like you or agree with you, and in some cases think you are the anti-Christ.

b. Think you are their soulmate, soul sister, etc., and want to call you on the phone and chat.

c. Want you to publish their book for them. Or agent it. Or just read it and then tell the world how it deserved to be both agented and published. (Disclaimer: I do not work as an agent, nor do I publish books. I also do not, for legal reasons, read other people’s unpublished works. If you want a blurb, contact my agent.)

d. Are pretty cool, and just want to tell you how much they enjoyed your book, your writing, your Web site, your recipe for funeral potatoes, etc.

13. PoppaZoppa is a very addictive game. So is Goldminer. It is hard to work while the lure of PZ is glaring at me, flashing at me, begging me to come play! (Thank God I got over that addiction to Zuma. I would never have gotten ANY work done!)

So tell me, what have YOU learned from the Internet?


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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23 Responses to Things I've Learned from the Internet

  1. I am addicted to the Tradewinder game on MSN… Shoot me now.


  2. mommysix says:

    I’ve learned that I can end up in places rather quickly that I don’t want to be in! – I guess we are related – the African relatives e-mailed me also! This was great reading tonight – fun, just what I needed. HAVE a wonderful week everybody. Keep writing Natalie – you are terrific and very gifted. Zuma? Help – please send the anecdote as soon as possible!


  3. I’ve learned that from Christian debt consolidation companies I can get help enlarging my breasts and my penis. That you don’t have to play the UK Lottery or even be from Great Britain to win 250,000 pounds. That you can make a living filling out surveys. How to get love spells cast or curses removed. That the Celts were the lost survivors of Atlantis, that Mormons are Reptiles, that Ninjas are mammals, how to talk like a pirate, that everyone on the Internet is a man and those pretending to be a woman are just people who are gay or have gender issues.


  4. oh, there is actually legitimate stuff I’ve learned from the Internet, too. But strangely your relatives died in Africa? Mine usually die in plane crashes over the ocean. Never gotten any of those Nigerian e-mails.

    Oh, and asl is a perfectly acceptable way to start a conversation on Yahoo IM with someone you don’t know. (Do this to me and I will end the conversation immediately.)

    I also learned that my ancestors who came from Switzerland were in reality from Scotland from those phony geological places.


  5. Sinister… LOLOLOL. You cracked me up here. (I promise this is not an instance of “I don’t know what to say…” Your comments really were funny.

    Mommysix…Stay away from the Zuma. You can do it. Just walk away.

    Cynthia, do NOT post game names on here. Oh, no, that is the best way to get me addicted. DO NOT DO IT.


  6. Rocco says:

    Well – I learned how to make cheese, brew beer/wine, make bread, all in that order and from scratch.

    That’s just in case the bomb drop soo I can still live up to being a high-carb-low-output-drunken-heart-attack of an American.

    I learned this on the net along with the idea that I am immortal.


  7. Cele says:

    Until this moment, I’d blissfully forgotten (for months now) that Natalie had gotten me addicted to Zuma. What a pusher. I am not going back and reading the names of the other games…Natalie or Cynthia…it is…not…going to happen. Oh please help me.

    I have learned that it drives me crazy when people forward, a forward, that was forwarded once, and then forwarded again….That nothing happens to my screen that is funny or kewl…or not when I email a chain letter to 20 of my closest friends. I don’t have 20 close friends, because, oh mi gosh, after that email they aren’t talking to me. Sucka!…that blogs are a much more productive way to spend my every waking moment, than say work, house work, or bathing….That thousands, maybe millions pray LIVE for me everyday, because as in ept as I am, apparently I need a middle man to speak with God. Whatever!…That antispam ware really does work even when you don’t open the can.


  8. Cele says:

    OH and I learned cool, and kewl mean two totally different things Dudette. Just ask me.


  9. Al Haj says:

    Please! Please! go to Africa Natalie. Try swimming with the crocodiles, it’s loads of fun. I wonder, do you think to them you will taste sour or just bland?


  10. Natalie says:

    Geez, Al, was that a dig? Surely not!


  11. Hilary says:

    I should know better than going looking for new games … a new Zuma addict here too!


  12. I learned that you can actually find the scriptures and uplifting church talks on the internet. What a wonderful world we live in.


    Molly the Mormon


  13. Bishop Rick says:


    Your myspace page is really cool.


  14. T.B. says:

    Okay, I tried the long schlong fix and it really works. Whew, like Pinocchio’s nose! What they don’t tell you about is the new wardrobe you have to buy. Nothing fits. You don’t dare leave the house in a pair of Bermuda shorts wearing boxers underneath!

    Going bald? Not anymore! My damn hairline starts at my eyebrows now. Crap out there . . . I think not!

    If I could see the screen, and had the use of both hands, I would never check my emails again!!!


  15. TheReporter says:

    I have learned that Mormons are the biggest liars in the world.
    Covering up is done by more than just wearing garments.
    Covering up abuse is their middle name. Bishop’s are fucking idiots, families are meaningless. Lifes are lost and the real victims are fucked over. Look at what is happening with Warren Jeffs.


  16. Tracy says:

    I have learned how to spell Viagra a hundred different ways, that I can get my penis enlarged…I don’t have one, but if I did…my non exsistant bank accounts need attention, and five different people want me to have that hot stock tip.

    I haven’t heard from my relitives in Africa though…should I worry?


  17. rebertuoles says:


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  18. hunterjack says:

    Hi all!

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  19. solomon says:


    Phentermine – Prescription Information

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