Hold to the Rod, Dave… Don't let go…

Amongst some of the levity and antics in the last set of comments, a little Mormon snideness snuck in. You’ll remember we were discussing the prevaricating nature of certain Mormon General Authorities, in particular one Gene R. Cooke, who claims to have given Mick Jagger a good tongue lashing about morality and such on a commercial jet back in 1988. Most of us are pretty sure Gene has a case of Paul Dunn-itis. In other words, he’s doing some Lying for the Lord.

But, our friend Dave said (while not addressing the actual story or comments, by the way):

Good thing you guys are all so nice and uplifting. I really felt better after listening to all of you complain and tear down. Good job guys, keep it up!

Why spend so much time and energy holding a grudge, or trying to destroy. Just let it go. It’s not worth it. Just be happy and let these people be.

Let yourself be.

Of course, I immediately knew Dave was a Mormon. Duh. Don’t address the issues, just accuse people, in a roundabout way, of not “leaving the church alone.” You can say it any way you want, I’ve heard it before. So I did a little snooping. And I found Dave is a 25-year-old BYU Student. Duh.

I also found out this:


Arts/Writing: Photography, Song-writing, Writing Poetry
Hobbies: Clubbing, Cooking, Going to Parties, Listening to Music, Reading, Traveling, Watching Movies
Instrument Playing: Drums/Percussion
Languages: English, French, Italian, Other Language, Spanish
Music: Alternative, Dance/Club, Punk, Rock, Techno, Trance
Politics: Republican
Religion: Christian, Mormon
Sports: Basketball, Bodyboarding, Bowling, Camping, Football, Jet Skiing, Mountain Biking, Sailing, Scuba Diving, Skateboarding, Skiing, Snowboarding, Soccer, Surfing, Tennis, Volleyball

CLUBBING? PARTYING? Mormons do not go CLUBBING, Dave! Do your church leaders know this? Sheesh. Anyway, our eclectic friend Dave means well, I’m sure, so I wrote him this nice letter.

Dear Dave,

This is NOT the uplifting blog. Nowhere in my disclaimer (uh, do I have a disclaimer?) do I claim to be here to spiritually feed you. You have CHURCH for that. No, no, my purpose is to make you smile. Of course, it’s fairly rare that someone who is MORMON smiles when visiting my blog. At least someone who is a TRUE BELIEVING MORMON, at any rate. There are some ex-Mormons, and some Jack Mormons, and a few “Pretenders” among us, and they all smile, but no, real TBMs don’t smile here. If you are smiling here, you might want to check your temple recommend status. It could magically change like a Harry Potter gizmo.

That said, thanks for encouraging us. We needed that. We appreciate YOUR special spirit. We’re sorry for our grudge. What is our grudge again? Oh, never mind. I’m sure I’ll figure it out sooner or later. But you… hold to the rod, Dave. HOLD TIGHT. Don’t let go. HOLD TO THE ROD… er, uh, unless it’s someone else’s rod. In that case, I would recommend letting go. Or wait. If I remember right, there was a little bit of controversy about holding your OWN rod, too.

I’ll have you know I worked with a Rod during my time at the Salt Lake Tribune and he was ALL for being held. All the parts of him. Sorry. Got sidetracked.

Just for you, Dave, I have something very special. Yes, I found this little product. And when you are tempted to come back hear and be dragged down by the relentless negativity here, I suggest you just pull out your HOLD TO THE ROD LIP BALM and just SMEAR IT ALL OVER YOUR LIPS, and any other body part that needs some sunshine.

Here’s the product description:
Tuck a bit of love and sunshine into someone’s pocket with a unique lip balm. Quality ingredients pamper and protect, while fun and colorful packaging gets the message across. Order for family, friends, and youth groups. Put your heartfelt message on their lips again and again with Lip notes.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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19 Responses to Hold to the Rod, Dave… Don't let go…

  1. Cele says:

    As I read the sale line for Hold To The Rod Lip Balm (yes I looked because…er… well…I was a questioning Cele) I thought of the multitude of pitches they could use with this product. Few of them were Christian-like, but they all fit. So slicker up will shove it down.

    I mean really, who would name a product that? What were they thinking? See never been Momos don’t get this at all.


  2. Mavis says:

    Do they make Hold the Rod KY jelly, or Hold the Rod condoms, ribbed, for her comfort?

    I better not get started, I might not stop.


  3. Starkitty says:

    What the hell? I thought that had to be a put-on until I checked. What a crack-up! Sounds like Dave should pair it with the “Remember Who You Are” lip balm, as well, the next time he goes clubbing.


  4. Howy says:

    that’s refreshing. It’s 6:54 am and I get to read sexual inuendo from blog chicks. Gonna be a good day.


  5. mommysix says:

    Thanks for putting a smile (no lip balm needed) on this old face. It didn’t take me long to figure out weeks ago that I am probably quite a bit older than you folks, but I really enjoy the humor and the facts presented. Nice to be off work today. Hadn’t been in a “book store” for a long time and it is amazing that “they” are capitalizing on all sorts of wonder non-garbage statements now. But then, Money was always top priority, right? Have a good day everyone and, Natalie, keep on writing!


  6. Summer says:

    And I thought I came for the most whacked religion.

    Mormons are even more weird.

    I clicked on the link, couldn’t really believe such a lip balm existed, then I see a product called Raise the Bar lip balm.

    Imagine using Hold the Rod and Raise the Bar lip balm at the same time!


  7. mlbower says:

    If you use the the lip balm in a direct correlation to “hold the bar”, I bet it, the bar, would definitely raise.

    According to previous discussions and posts, I didn’t think Mormons were supposed to “hold the bar” or “raise the bar” in any way that would require the use of lip balm. Hhhmmmm….mixed messages?


  8. Howy says:

    Did you scroll down and read the titles of all the lip balms? Oh my god, I’m still chuckling.

    Here’s a bit of spirituality for you. This morning I was at my desk working away when I got a call from a friend of mine. He wants to know if I’d like to take a long walk this morning, grab a cup of Joe at Starbucks and then go flying to Catalina with him and theco-owner of his Cessna. He hadn’t finished talking and I was already changing into my walking clothes. Fifteen minutes later we’re strolling along Pacific Coast Highway on our way to the Carlsbad Starbucks. Two hours later we’re taxiing on the Palomar Airport. We flew to Catalina Island, had buffalo burgers (my treat) and then flew back along the coastline. I was back in my home office by 2:30 in the afternoon. That my friends is a spiritual experience! Never touched a rod.



  9. Howy,

    That sounds like MY kind of spirituality… uh, minus the buffalo burgers, that is…..


  10. Cele says:

    Oh I haven’t been to Catalina in soooo long. We use to go fishing between Dana Point and Catalina when I was a kid. You have to try the abalone Howy.


  11. Howy says:

    Nat, I had the same worry about the B burgers. They were great. Much better than beef. Plus, there were a few of them grazing by the airport cafe on Catalina. Made ’em taste even better!

    Cele, my ex and I used to go stay at the Blue Lantern Inn at Dana Point several times a year. The only mollusks I care for are scallops but then I’ve never tried abalone. If I get the chance some day, without having to get an entire order, I’ll try abalone. If it sucks I’ll have to bame you. Do you want that on your conscience?


  12. They have BUFFALO on Catalina Island? Whouda thunka it?

    Abalone is very good, Howy. And I LOVE scallops. I just like seafood.


  13. Cele says:

    Ha ha you can blame it one me Howy no problem, but the scallops are good too. And yes I do like buffalo.


  14. Bishop Rick says:

    Hey, this all makes perfect scents to me.
    A girl’s lips can get chapped while holding to the rod.


  15. Natalie says:

    Bishop RICK! How could that EVER happen???


  16. Mavis says:

    “They have BUFFALO on Catalina Island? Whouda thunka it?”

    Yes, and when they want to stamped around the island, you let them.

    Catilina also has wild boar. You have to put your food up a tree when your camping, or you won’t have any in the morning.


  17. Howy says:

    Yesterday I was talking with a park ranger and he told me that all the wild boar and the wild goats (23,000) are gone. They removed most and hunted the rest until they were a memory.


  18. Mavis says:

    What a shame there are no more boars. That was part of the experience of Catalina.


  19. LOL… I had nover thought of “hold to the rod” in quite that way. Thank you.


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