I returned from the reading/signing in Moab, Utah, with sand in my shoes, sun on my face and a nasty sinus infection. It was pretty successful, and a lot of fun, but my trip there was pretty wicked. See, Utah is having a hell of a spring. Our “desert” status is in danger here. After a drought of many years, we have so much water we’re thinking about calling in Moses and asking for some help diverting it.
The spring of 2005 has given new meaning to the catch phrase, “Don’t like the weather in Utah? Wait a minute.”
Going over Soldier Summit, I encountered rain, snow, hail, eerie fog rising off the road in tendril-like wisps of white, and lightning and thunder. At one point, the lightning hit so close I next expected to hear God’s voice speak to me. “YOU WERE WRONG, SISTER COLLINS. I DID TELL JOSEPH TO GO OUT AND GET HIM A PASSEL OF YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE WIVES. NOW HIE THEE TO OUTER DARKNESS.”
I’m going, Lord.
But first I must finish my blog. I made it to Moab safely, and had a pretty good time.
While there, I discovered a gem of a little book called Green Jell-O and Red Punch: The Heinous Truth! About Utah! by C.L. Crosby (and an unnamed white female currently incarcerated in the Utah State Prison.) Thanks to Anna McGinty for sharing this little nugget with me.
This book truly tickled my funny bone, something I am sure does not surprise anyone. C.L. Crosby, according to his bio on the back of the book, grew up in a brothel in Kearns, and now lives with his partner in San Francisco, where he “has one of those special friendships that only confirmed bachelors can share.”
Also according to the jacket, the Unnamed White Female was the winner of the 2001 Mother of the Year Award, awarded annually to the woman having the most children under the age of five, and is currently residing in the Utah State Prison “on unfounded charges of manufacturing methamphetamine with the intent to distribute.”
I have no way of knowing if ANY of this is true. I do know that methamphetamine is found in just about every other house on any block on any given day, and that labs being found and destroyed by law enforcement top every newscast.
What, say you? How could this be, in Zion? As I’ve said before, LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY, Utahns, despite what they would like you to believe, are just like everybody else. Except we are so desperate to prove that statement wrong we go undercover and the next thing you know we are murdering our wife (wives), manufacturing meth and popping Prozac like candy, or blowing up innocent people to protect our OWN dastardly schemes, with the sanctioning of LDS authorities. (The last one refers to Mark Hoffman, who blew up two people in an attempt to cover up the fact that one of them had discovered he was a fraud. Chief facilitator in Hoffman’s successes as a forger was one Gordon B. Hinckley, currently the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If Hinckley hadn’t been so worried about the press getting ahold of the materials that Hoffman was selling–documents that were less than flattering to the Church and its founder–and thusly giving Hoffman money so the Church could safely lock said materials in the Church vault, none of this would ever have happened.)
Anyway, I digress. Back to The Heinous Truth! About Utah! After a bunch of pages of disclaimers, which cracked me up, the authors continue to dish up ditties about life in Utah. They bash just about every aspect, including the propensity of Mormons to wave the middle finger when driving in traffic. I suspect it has something to do with that whole reflector-shield-around-the-car theory some people seem to believe in. You know, you’ve seen them, the ones with the index finger buried up the nose, as though you can’t see them. Same thing for the middle finger. “Oh, Gladys, is that the BISHOP you just flipped off?” “Don’t worry, LaMar, he didn’t see me. The shield is up.”
Anyone who has Mormon relatives, friends, or acquaintances, or with any kind of background in Mormonism, will appreciate this book–everyone that is, but the faithful, who are not big on humor and don’t enjoy others who joke at their expense.