Sanitize THIS…..

A recent article in The Washington Post featured the Mormon, Utah-based businesses that make a living editing films to make them clean, according to the LDS rules of life, or “sanitizing” them. Thank God we have these people around to protect us from ourselves, and the horrible, evil filmmakers from Hollywood.

Family Flix, which claims to have the toughest standards, removes “sexual innuendo,” including suggestions or depictions of homosexuality. It recently edited “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie,” an animated film with a PG rating, to eliminate a scene in which a male starfish character sings and dances while dressed in fishnet stockings and high heels.

Kudos to you, Sandra Teraci, owner of Family Flix, for keeping our young people safe from fishnet stockings. If anyone has ever tried to wear a pair of fishnet stockings, you should write her a thank you note. They are worse than the worst pair of pantyhose. At least hose hold the fat in. With fishnet, the fat just kind of oozes out through the little holes, unless, of course, you are the anorexic Olsen twin.

And, well, phew! I’m very appreciative to Teraci, because you just never know when a young, impressionable starfish is going to take off singing and dancing in fishnet stockings and heels just because they saw it on television. Everyone knows how much time starfish spend watching television. It’s a real problem in the ocean communities. After that whole MTV Jackass snafu, we know how impressionable (and frankly, quite stupid) young people can be. We should certainly assume that young starfish are the same. Because surely this woman is not saying that a young HUMAN person would be highly influenced by a starfish wearing fishnet stockings, and spend the rest of their life watching Will and Grace reruns and patronizing the arts?

Despite my gratitude to all those people like Sandra who want to PROTECT me from the evils of this world, I do see some tiny problems in her arguments. First of all, the majority of homosexual men do NOT wear high heels and fishnet stockings. While I suppose there is a certain portion of the homosexual community that might have an affinity for fishnet stockings, that also applies to the heterosexual community. Ever heard of cross-dressers? Most of them are NOT gay. I’m sure she’s thinking of the drag queens of the world, and frankly, they are few and far between. Fishnet stockings and heels are NOT an icon of the gay world. And while I admit a lot of Mormon women don’t wear fishnet to Sunday meetings, they’ve been wearing heels, quite respectably, for years.

Is it the fishnet/heel combo that has Teraci reeling?

“We don’t hate homosexuals,” says Sandra Teraci. “We just don’t think that lifestyle should be glorified. It’s becoming rampant in more types of films.”

I must be watching different movies. And I still don’t get how a starfish in fishnet stockings glorifies homosexuality. As far as I know, Starfish are asexual and they don’t even have legs. Having not SEEN the Spongebob movie, I’m even more perplexed as to how a starfish is WEARING stockings….

Furthermore, isn’t there something masochistic about a sea creature wearing FISHNET anything? Perhaps that is the REAL problem Teraci has with the starfish….

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About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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