Postcards from Kolob

First there was the whole “Purple Dinosaur Drama,” followed by the “Tinky Winky’s a Flaming Queen” Controversy, and shortly after that poor Sponge Bob got caught up in the melee and found his moral character—and choice of companions—questioned. Sponge Bob? Gay? Say it isn’t so. Frankly, I find it hard to swallow. I’ve known a few gay men in my life, and frankly, there is not a self-respecting homosexual man in the Universe who would be caught DEAD wearing square pants in public.

I was really hoping these characters would exercise some self-control and quit behaving in such morally reprehensible fashion, but it wasn’t to be.

When you have sick kids, you end up watching a lot of daytime television, especially children’s programming, brought to us specially by PBS. Since the gombu has been making the rounds at our house, last week I caught an episode of the Postcards from Buster television show, and lo and behold, I recognized the family Buster visited! Not only that, I went to high school with the dad, and could swear it was filmed right here in my little town.

Now why the hell would Buster want to visit Clark Hirschi and family? Not that Clark isn’t a nice enough guy, although I admit I haven’t seen him for twenty-odd years. But what is so interesting about the Hirschis? Yep, you guessed it. They’re Mormons. And Buster was paying the Mormons a visit.

I might have just laughed this off, even thought it kinda cool, had I not been aware of the recent controversy regarding Buster Bunny and his visit to an, ahem, lesbian couple in Vermont. Boy, did people get ticked off about that. So much so, that most stations didn’t run it. Hell, even a BYU professor has said that homosexuality is NOT a choice. Anyone want to place bets on how long he keeps his job? Why does the world care so much about someone else’s sexuality? What the hell is so frightening about it?

And I’m left here thinking, HELLO, it’s okay to visit Mormons who believe (just for starters):

1. We will practice polygamy in the afterlife. Joseph Smith really did not want to start polygamy, but a powerful angel with a sword threatened him and made him do it. (Brian David Mitchell might want to try this defense. It worked for Joe.)

2. That God lives on a planet next to a star called Kolob. Why? Because God does not like to waste space (I SWEAR on a Book of Mormon that a Sunday School teacher told me that.)

3. That magic underwear, or Jesus Jammies, can protect you from harm. I can’t TELL you how many stories I’ve heard of people being saved because they wore Jesus Jammies, but nobody EVER talks about the people who die wearing them. Why is that?

4. The Garden of Eden is in Missouri (Oh please!). Have you BEEN there? No offense to Missourians, but it seems more likely the Garden of Eden would be in the Bahamas, or Hawaii, or somewhere like that. Don’t get me started. Apparently, we are all going to hike there. Maybe that’s the reason for the Missouri choice. I spent a week each summer at Girls Camp just getting ready for the trek.

I could go on and on, but I won’t. Frankly, the only people who don’t find the Mormon beliefs weird are SOME of the Mormons. Thinking Mormons everywhere quibble daily with this stuff. That’s why people HIDE when they see the missionaries coming. I know people who have holed up in their house for days, peering out the window only occasionally, like in one of those old westerns, as the missionaries lay in wait, looking for any sign of life.

These missionaries come home from said missions with those same remarkable skills. I, myself, found myself hiding and hushing my husband as two “Some-pyramid-scheme-or-another” salesmen, both returned missionaries, stood on my doorstep and rang the bell repeatedly. “Don’t even breathe, or they’ll know we’re in here.”

So what is the big deal with Buster hanging out with the lesbians? I think the fear arises because people are afraid that gays and lesbians are operating under the rules of recruitment, sort of like the Navy and the Army, the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Mormons. You hear the word “recruit” a lot in homophobic circles. I myself have never encountered one of these recruitment centers, but suspect it would be very nicely decorated.

Frankly, people, you are in a lot more danger from consorting with Mormons, who would like nothing more than to dunk you into their ranks, than you are from lesbians and gays, who rarely don blue suits and nametags, and walk from door to door carrying old Judy Garland tapes.

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About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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