Midnight Train to Salt Lake City

Since I’ve made my stance on all matters relating to Mormonism fairly clear, my father has had to resort to oneliners, the only missionary work he is allowed to perform on me. It’s gotten rather interesting, actually. How much information and inference can you pack into one line, when you are only allowed to use a few words and facial expressions?

So out of the blue one day, my dad says to me “You heard Gladys Knight joined the Church?” He looks at me solemnly, and then nods, raising his eyebrows.

“WHAT? I’m sorry, WHAT?? Well, for hell’s sake, why didn’t someone tell me this sooner? The Church MUST be true, if Gladys is taking the Midnight Train to Salt Lake City.”

This particular oneliner comes from the “if it isn’t true, how come so-and-so believes it?” circular logic bag of explanations. These are usually offered to verify the truthfulness of the Church. “This man/woman/gerbil is SMART. He’s a doctor/lawyer/Amway salesman. He believes the Church is true, therefore it must be true.” The way I remember it, there were some fairly intelligent people in Hitler’s army, too, but you won’t see me goosestepping anytime soon.

Sarcasm aside, of course I’d heard about Gladys, and while everyone around me was either oohing and aahing or asking “How could she?” I was pretty much sure I understood it.

Hello, people! The world’s BIGGEST backup band?? The Mormon Tabernacle Choir makes the Pips look like Pipsqueaks!

I’m still waiting for my dad to drop this oneliner. “So, you heard Marilyn Manson joined the church?”


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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