The Freaks are Back in Town

Well, it’s close to that time again. No, not tax season, but time for the LDS General Conference, which is held every April and October. This time of year used to hold a “good side/bad side” quality for me, when I was growing up. The plus was I didn’t have to get dressed up in Sunday best and go to Church. I could at least sleep until ten, and keep my jammies on. The minus was I had to sit for three hours, TWICE in one day, and listen to old men prattle on, while the audience politely laughed at their whitebread, generic, wholesome jokes. In their most RABID times (read always) my parents also watched the “Saturday” session. Luckily, if we could prove we were busy with something else, we were not forced to endure this. But Sunday was a requirement.

I could never stay awake while watching the General Authorities speak on television. If you aren’t Mormon, you wouldn’t understand that tone—deep, melodic, mesmerizing, sanctimonious–they use that automatically puts you to sleep. Even today, I can identify that tone with a blindfold on, late at night, after drinking a pint of rum, on the third Tuesday of the month….The tone might work if the message were good, but it’s the same-old same-old every time. Do the GAs go to monotony school to learn how to speak? It’s possible. I promise it isn’t just me. Go to any ward meeting, on any given Sunday, and you’ll find hundreds of snoozers, some who have even learned to sleep with their eyes open, although the glazed-over look and drool on the side of their mouths is a dead-giveaway. I am convinced the GAs USE this tone so that someone sitting next to you will PROD you awake, causing you great pain, and of course embarrassment, and convincing you just how much MORE of the Lord’s gospel you need.

But I digress.

General Conference has gotten rather interesting in the past few years for a couple of reasons.

1. The Mormon Church bought Main Street so they could keep Rabble Rousers away from Temple Square.
2. Said Rabble Rousers decided to push even harder, and found out the ACLU and most laws are on THEIR side.
3. Christian Street Preachers are the most un-Christ-like people you will EVER meet.

Last year, one of these so-called Christians spent his week standing in front of Temple Square waving a set of the “sacred” garments around. Now, I’m no fan of Jesus Jammies. I’ve even made fun of them myself. Let’s face it, they are ugly, weird, and the whole Temple endowment thing is freaky, but I have NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER stood outside Temple Square waving a pair. Nor have I handed out pamphlets outside the gates. I do regretfully admit to drinking champagne and orange juice one Christmas Eve and touring the grounds, while admiring the lights, but truthfully, drunk and stupid is about the only way you get me inside Mormon grounds.

I digress again. The “Christian” preacher who chose this tactic found himself getting punched squarely on the jaw by a TBM (true believing Mormon) who was beside himself with anger at the thought someone was defiling something so sacred. Guess what? I side squarely with the beside-himself TBM. I mean, come on! I don’t care much for Mormonism, and its tenets, but this guy is claiming to be a Christian! Christian stands for Christlike. When is the last time Christ ran some guy’s underwear up the flagpole and laughed about it?

Yep, you guessed it. The behavior of these street preachers is so incredibly immature they should be sent back to junior high for the rest of their lives! It’s the equivalent of giving noogies and wet willies, and wedgies to the poor unfortunate souls who are weaker than you. It’s bullying.

I am fuzzy on my Bible knowledge, but I don’t remember Christ getting what he wanted by being the biggest bully on the block. Rather, I remember Jesus Christ setting an example of behavior that others could follow. You really didn’t see him standing outside someone else’s place of worship, waving around their underwear for the world to see.

Now I don’t think that the LDS Church should have bought up Main Street, and I also don’t think they should be allowed to make all the laws in Utah, even though they do (surreptitiously). And I sure as hell don’t think they should be allowed to go door to door proselytizing, which everyone KNOWS they do, but I also don’t think they are bad people who deserve to be bullied.

Note to street preachers: You are NOT helping your cause. Signs that say things like GOD HATES FAGS make YOU look bad. Last I heard, according to the Bible, there was only ONE judge, and that judge was GOD HIMSELF. Nowhere in the Bible does it say, “I HATE FAGS.” Nowhere. You are speaking for God, and I suspect, at least according to YOUR beliefs, that is going to piss him off royally. I’d shut up, and shut up now, if I were you.

Of all people, YOU should know what happens when you piss God off. Think flood. BIIIIIIGGG FLLLOOOOOD.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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6 Responses to The Freaks are Back in Town

  1. Phred says:

    Don’t single out any one religion…

    It’s 2006. Now zoom forward to 6006. Look around. Cool huh? Marvel at the humankind’s achievments; this is where humankind WOULD be in 2006 if even a modest form of reason-based science had displaced religion permanantly back when humankind evolved to the level of…well…humankind.

    I shudder to think of all the resources wasted in pursuit, support, or defense of the various religions over the centuries.

    Don’t look now, but here comes another century of religion.



  2. Kandi says:

    If you are so Christian, then maybe you should stop badgering the Mormons and get on with your life. Making it seem like we are all weirdos is not Christian either.


  3. Pingback: Trapped by the Mormons » Blog Archive » More Jesus Jammies Up the Flagpole

  4. Johnny Putt says:

    No: I don’t buy into that idiotic type protesting. I do however think awareness
    of the brainwashing power of that brutal heirachy in the name of our creator
    should be exposed. We could begin with what brought about LDS’ obvious bottom
    line AVARICE. And Mormon’s goofy origins with a screwball kid from a
    screwball family looking at a rock in his hat.


  5. GraceandTruth says:

    It is not judging when you are simply repeating the principles already plainly setforth in the Scriptures. It is the grosses of sins to allow people to go on in sin and deception headed for the lake of fire for all of eternity and do nothing. Having been a Mormon you should understand. Incidentally, I am not a street preacher and do not agree with all their tactics but I have to admit it is better than watching the deceived masses march off into hell without doing so much as giving them a water gun.



  6. Kim says:

    Wow, what broke your heart? And where are you in your life now? Are you happy? Truly happy? Think back to when you were a child and how you felt in your home? The choices you made, did they bring you the happiness and freedom you thought they would?


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