Should I Hire a Bodyguard?

Today, on Maud Newton’s blog (Maud is the ultra-cool, ultra-chic literary blogger I want to be when I grow up), she mentions Martha Nibley Beck’s book, Jon Krakauer’s book, and my book. Perhaps now would be the time to hire a bodyguard. Except I’ve only had two death threats. I think both Martha and Jon are winning that race.

If I hired a bodyguard, he would probably look like Barney Fife from the old Andy Griffith show. And shoot just as well.

My “hate email” is all pretty boring. A lot of it mentions the “hate in my heart” and talks about how “sad” I am. I’ve had someone make suggestions of other things I could be doing with my time that would be more worthwhile than writing a blog about Mormons (as though the only thing I do is write a blog about living in Utah with the Saints).

Once in a while, though, one really stands out. Like this one. Mostly because I have no idea what this writer is trying to say. The author, although apparently a Mormon (or so he says), appears to be using hallucinogenic drugs. I post it here now, in the hope that someone can interpret it for me.

YO YO, your ish awesome.

firstly, my beef with u natilie, is that your anti, i could give a crap what your anti about, i just think that people who blab non constructive words have a negative impact on the world. so here we go, im going to have a negative impact on the world and waste a few moments of my life for the sake of trying to offend natalie and of course possibly having a side-effect that it may help someone out, hahha yeh right!

i dont even want to post to this lame blog. i hate things that are built to facilitate controversy. or in this case, wine about how pathetic of a life she has because shes trapped and doesnt see a way out, just stand here and complain.

here goes, against the grain baby…

“hey everyone, lets all talk about how our perspectives differ!”, it should be a very productive discussion.

yeh right, this persons intent is so clear from the blog name. “trapped by the mormons”.

heheheh, ok sorry natalie, i wasnt aware i was trapping you :P.

and i know that people have mentioned to you that you could just move and escape the mormons…

WELL YOU CANT!!!, we are everywhere, mUSHAHAHAHAH >:)

you know what would be a good post? reasoning why you feel so trapped and incapable (or lack of desire) to do anything about it, rather than talking negatively online about your situation.

or perhaps you could bother in seeing the good in things..

“ya know what? i think these mormons are crazy, but wow, they’re pretty good people, and you know what, i did some actual research, and im learning about a lot of evidencies and indications that point toward a likely truth in their faith.”

nah, we cant have that… lets just turn on the TV, blogs, etc, and digest all the negative things in the world. you know! a negative plus a negative is positive! heh

“hey, didn’t you see on the news?, people died today!”

hey people were born too, why no mention of that?

seriously natilie, the glass is half full, if you can realize this, you most probably have an increase of good feelings, which just makes life better… crap, my mormon instinct to actually care about you is seeping in… MUST RESTRAIN MYSELF!!!

anyway, please dont moderate this post. if you can say what i consider jacked up stuff, give me some respect and let me say some jacked up stuff ;), wait a minue, im asking from respect from you? man I MUST HAVE A LOT OF FAITH or something 😛 heheh

and seriously, i’d like to see, oh wait..

you said “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen”

hahahahah, rofl, oh man…

and your blog title, hahahha.
thats great 😉

oh “no technology”, i embrase technology, i develop similar software that makes your negative venting eletronically possible.

see, your comments are so weak and feable, you could at least substaintialize them to some degree before posting them. in fact, i could write you some scripts that continuously say “mormons suck” a lot on the web. then you could have more time doing things you enjoy.. OH WAIT, you enjoy _this_?, sweet 🙂

also, is your online existance completely dependent upon opposition towards the “mormonz”?.

i can only assume that your belief that you are “trapped” is the most interesting thing about yourself based on your decisions to try really hard to make the public know this.

good to know the mormons can provide you with something to live for 🙂

when a nobody starts talking about mormonism with your attitude..

“jan 27th 2008, well, mormons suck, i learned to day about a mormon that killed someone, man, if thier church is true why would someone kill someone”

“aug 31st 2010, hey wives and sisters is winning!”

“jan 22th 2012, mormons suck, did you know? yeh, the bishop molested 27 girls”

“may 22nd 2034, wow, look at how productive my life has been, i sure feel good about how negative i’ve been over the years”

it’s been done, the least you could do is be innovative.

btw, your recent blog content lacks, who cares about your amazon race, and yoru blog isn’t necessary to find out who is winning. learning something and post something cool.

btw, fear me, im dangerously crazzzzy BOO!

i really like your logo graphic it’s pretty good, good design.

ohhH! positivity has entered the blog, can it survive?!?

i think it’s great that your pro martha beck though, hopefully you can be as great an author as her.

OH i got a sweet idea, you could say you’re molested or something. THEN TONS OF People would read it, then u could make more money!!!

wow, AN M.O., human history has taught us that people have LIED to get MONEY, power, attention.. but nah, no one does that anymore.

and the same logic that is applied that leads us to believe how false mormonism is, doesnt seem to apply in teh this case. 1 outta 8. good odds, IM IN!!!, ill see your 3, and raise you 5.

i think it hilarious that it takes an alternate route to discredit such a genius, cause no one could use intelligence to battle him, hes too freaking smart.

i really do not know why so many people go crazy about dissing mormons, it must be great fun or something, but man, but the people who do are DANGEROUSLY CRAZY! heh

also, im on the eletronic mormon hit-team, i get paid with tithing from posting stuff like this.


ok, you made it this far…
the inherit ridiculousness (sarcasm, hipocracy, etc) of this post is a MOCK MOCK MOCKERY of sweet little natilie, and to serve as an example of MORMON HATE MAIL 🙂

hope you continue to make lots of money writing and selling grade-a material.

best wishes, someone-who-is-like-you.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
This entry was posted in Natalie's Posts. Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to Should I Hire a Bodyguard?

  1. I think it’s clear, Natalie, that you are wining ENTIRELY too much. I love wining! Haaa.

    Congrats on the Maud reference! xx Martha


  2. Dan Killough says:

    If you are sooo amused at the silly Mormons, move away. I’m sure your intellectual equals could be found in New York or Hollyweird, oh that’s right you can’t move your trapped by the Mormons, or is it something other than Mormons?


  3. Congrats on the Maud mention.
    When I read that comment the first time, I thought I was high. Now I know they were high. It takes all kinds, but don’t you wish they were taken AWAY sometimes?


  4. James says:

    Saying that all mormons are bad is false. not one of them are perfect no one else is . If a lds commits a sin it doesn’t mean everyone else does that. we are being accused of being a cult or a fake church. Maybe you should do some research. Our church is doing our best to be like church jesus christ started 2000 years ago. remnder people who commit adultary, murder people, and molest children are not just mormons they could be lutheran, catholic, or athiast. Mormons are asked by the prophets tokeep their bodies, minds and spirits clean.


  5. bob from canada says:

    hey im not a mormon but it does sound pretty true. and if you say it’s fake look at scientology. it’s about aliens who came from a different planet. it was made by a sci fi author who said “the best way to get money is to start a religion.” also if their church didn’t send out misionaries why wouldn’t it be true


  6. Wanted says:

    I want to be part of the online mormon hit team!!! So pay me already!


  7. Amanda says:

    Hi. I was just wondering… Have any of you ever even been to a mormon church.?Actually gone ther and investigated for yourself? I am absolutely intolerant of people who center their whole lives upon thinking what everybody else thinks just to fit in. And that’s exactly what ur doing here. some idiot started a bad reputation about mormons and that’s what linked it. A ripple affect of clueless morons like yourselves that are to lazy to find your own truth. Oh and about the mormon killing somebody. take a look at how many christians have commited murder! Or catholics, or any other religion you can think of! Yeah guess were not so Fuc*ing bad after all!!! Every one of you needs to get a life and get over yourselves1


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  10. I won’t say whether or not I’m Mormon, because I don’t want my being Mormon or not being Mormon to be an issue in what I’m about to tell you.

    People like you are pathetic. Why cynics and liberals alike get off on the “everyone sucks but me” mentality is beyond me. It’s like the only way to for you to win the race is break everyone else’s legs rather than try to run fast. You’ll find that by pushing others down the hill, you only feel like that moves you closer to the top because everyone else is so far below. But you’re not moving anywhere.

    Whoever sent you that message is probably legally retarded. But since you rarely encounter anyone with your supposed intellectual prowess, it’s so like you to exploit them for your gain. Yeah a lot of Mormons don’t know much else about life than mormonism. Yeah a lot of mormons make you feel trapped because of their lack of tact. But you know what I think? You’ve never belonged. You’ve never had friends, a group or anyone who really cared about you. The only sense of belonging you can find is creating this God-awful blog so that you and others like you can pat yourselves on the back for how witty you think you are.

    Let me guess, the next thing you’re going to do in cursed Utah is become a lesbian, because that’s a great way to stand out and draw attention to yourself. And then I suppose you’ll say you were born that way and have always been that way, ignoring a host of scientific and psychological evidence. But this blog and most any action you do is likely nothing more than an attention grabbing scheme. You were ignored as a kid. You were picked last at games. You weren’t talented and didn’t fit in. You weren’t the smartest in the class so never got attention from the teacher. You were socially awkward and couldn’t get a boyfriend. You so desperately wanted people to pay attention to you that you would do anything.

    And so here we are. The sarcasm and cynicism is just dripping and oozing from your blog. You post the comments from the morons to show how intellectually superior you are. You just have to be completely self gratifying because no one else ever liked you or paid attention to you, so you’ve had to take care of yourself. You are your own best fan. Then there’s your “fan base.” I bet the Gothic putrescence of society really enjoys your blog. You know, the boys who wear girl jeans, the ones who try to look as different as possible just so that people will look at them. And then when people do they pretend not to care because they are too cool for that. You painted your face to look like you have two black eyes yet? How about unnatural color streaks in your hair? Do you just revel in the look of disgust people give you when they see your appearance? I bet you’re getitng off on this comment right now!

    Let’s draw a parallel with “Survivor.” This season, each tribe was asked to rank their members from most useful to least useful. If society as a whole had to rank it’s members, you and people like you would be the bottom dwellers. Does that hurt your feelings? Going to write an emo song about it?

    If you feel so “trapped” and hate mormons so much, get the hell out of utah. Since you don’t, you must like your current living condition and the utterly amazing blog posts your life must provide. My guess is that you secretly need mormons. You need the validation that comes from hating them. You need others to tell you mormons suck to verify your own feelings, and that’s why you stay in crusty old utah. Thats why you maintain this ridiculous blog. And that’s why all your friends are nothing more than names and avatars to you. Or did I leave out the filth that hangs out at Hot Topic all day? Sorry, you guys must be real close…

    Have I offended you yet? Do you hate me yet? Have I hurt your feelings? Maybe amped up something inside you that’s telling you I’m a huge jerk?


    Now you and all the other mormon haters, religion haters, anything haters got a taste of your own medicine!! How does it feel to have everything about you trashed? How do you like people hating everything about you unjustly? Yet you go own in perfect complacence to destroy and tear down and criticize everything some people hold sacred and dear. I could care less what your opinions are about mormons, me or anything or anyone else. What I care about is when you and people like you have to tell the world for absolutely no reason at all. The mormon church did nothing to you. No church did. Why the hatred and animosity? Why the need to tear down these people? It sickens me how trendy and cool it has now become to hate everything, to be fault finding with everything and everyone.

    Your crazy commenter did say one good thing- the news only reports all the deaths, not all the births. They tell you how many Americans dies in Iraq, not how many Iraqis the Americans saved today. Why does this mentality rule our society? Why can’t people respectfully disagree? Where did civility go? Why do people need to maintain an entire blog to perpetuate hatred and tear down an entire group of people?

    I dare you to post this comment on your blog. I dare you to let your readers read this. And you know what? I know you’re going to post it. You want to so bad so that your readers can tear into me and tell you how stupid I am and how unintellectual my comments are. But then you don’t want to give me the satisfaction of being right. You would hate to post this just because I told you I know you will. Quite the predicament. Well, rest assured your “friends” will still be there for you no matter what. I mean, it wouldn’t be cool to agree with me. It wouldn’t be cool for them to tell you the truth about you and your blog as I have. I’m sure someone will find something witty and clever to say about me and my comments.

    So I challenge you to grow up, be an adult, and discontinue this blog. Make this comment beyour last post and apologize for hurting so many peoples’ feelings just for your own self gratification. Then go do something constructive with your time. Read a good book. Pick up some garbage at the park. Exercise. Do whatever, just remember tha random stranger who told you how it was, and remember the crossroads you now find yourself at. Keep living life the same way, or make a change and start building others up rather than tear them down. The choice is yours, but I know you will do the right thing. Thanks for reading.

    The Concerned Conservative


  11. K*tty says:

    Concerned Conservative, of course you’re a Mormon. Duh!!!


  12. JulieAnn says:

    Wow. Powerful stuff.

    Natalie, I feel a change of heart coming on –no,,,,wait….wait…, shucks it was just heartburn.

    There’s no indignation QUITE like righteous indignation, is there? So Nat, since our friendship is merely an avatar, what say we both go to the Hot Topic website together while we chat and write a poem about the nothingness that was this comment?


  13. JulieAnn says:

    Oh and K*tty, there’s no way this person is Mormon. A Mormon would have never left such an insulting and un-Christ like comment.


  14. anonymous says:

    I’m pretty neutral in this stuff, but I have to say JulieAnn, you did just validate those remarks. You did exactly what this conservative said you would. for calling it nothingness you didnt say anything about it except the clever witty thing he/she said you would


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  25. Hyrum says:

    It’s so very nice to know that I’m not alone in this State. Wasn’t it in the 1950’s when some people used to say to the black people, “If you don’t like it just go back to Africa”… this is so unrealistic and would also play right into the hands of the mollys. We are a desenting vote and we NEED to stay here. This is not a country unto itself, it is a STATE in the United States and we Americans have a thing called the ‘Bill of Rights’ and we also believe that, “Governments exist to protect the rights of minorities. The loved and the rich need no protection: they have many friends and few enemies.” (Wendel Phillips, a son of the 1st mayor of Boston). People throughout history are always remembered by the way they treat their minorities… the Romans and the Christians… the Nazis and the Jews… The Americans and slavery… Mormons and Gentiles (of which even Jewish people are in Utah… the only place in the world). So next time a Mormon asks themselves, “Gee Whizz and Heck… Why does Colorado get so much more skiers than Utah?” It’s because they don’t treat their minority population like people… more like subjects. Thanks for reading….. I’ll watch for more.


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