Making the World Safe, One Animated Pantywaist at a Time…

Sing along with me, “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGE-BOB-SQUARE-PANTS! Who’s light in the loafers, and queer as can be? SPONGE-BOB-SQUARE-PANTS.”

Dr. James Dobson, one of the most—if not THE most—influential evangelical ministers in America today, is making the world a safer place for us, one animated pantywaist at a time. Who knew that PBS was such a dangerous place to hang out? Just in case SpongeBob is nothing more than a metrosexual (and if so, Bob, hie thee to the Queer Eye guys immediately! You need help! Those shorts are so OVER.), I thought I’d offer him some advice.

An Open Letter to SpongeBob—I am writing you this letter because I consider myself to be your friend. After all, you have given my children countless hours of entertainment, and allowed me some time to myself when it was absolutely vital. I do not believe the rumors that are circulating, but feel I must warn you, Mr. Squarepants, that your reputation—and your very career—are in danger. I implore you to put away that pink negligee and fuck-me-pumps, and dump the starfish—Dr. James Dobson is ONTO you.

They know about that weekend at Tinky’s you spent, watching old Judy Garland movies and listening to Cher albums, while comparing manicures and debating the merits of Bedhead Hair products vs. Bumble and Bumble. You are no longer safely in the closet.

NO more hanging out at nightclubs with Barney and Tinky Winky. Those two are walking advertisements for your, uh, alternate lifestyle. Everybody KNOWS the color purple means gay. Right? Oh, and Tinky Winky carries that purse. And he’s gentle. You also must consider Barney’s reputation. After all, he is the first to wear all purple. It’s his signature color. Tinky Winky is only emulating what Barney began. Gay pride!

Since Dr. Dobson is already eyeballing the regulars, I have a diversion tactic. I shall point him in the direction of Boobah. As Heather Armstrong pointed out in her before-Christmas blog, those creatures mightily resemble an uncircumcised penis. At least you don’t look like someone’s genitals. Once he gets a load of Boobah, we’ll have a lot of time to work.

Now, while Dobson’s attention is elsewhere, I suggest a makeover. It’s nothing that an AK-47 assault rifle, a friend named Bubba and a few dead game animals won’t fix. I realize that four to ten-year-old children don’t relate well to blood and guts and Bambis dying left and right (at least those children in this age range who have not yet decapitated or murdered their own small animal), but consider the alternatives—no SpongeBob on television at all.


About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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6 Responses to Making the World Safe, One Animated Pantywaist at a Time…

  1. Michael says:

    I wonder what the most reverend Dobson has to say about the fact that, at one time, the “christian church” not only condoned same-sex marriages, but actually performed them in church? Heh.


  2. Anonymous says:

    I’d like you to site your source for that one, Michael.


  3. Michael says:

    Nope, I don’t provide info to “anonymous” posters. Post, *here*, your name and e-mail address, first, or I take it that you admit you too are scared to.

    (Sorry, Natalie, I’ll take this to e-mail as soon as “anonymous” fesses up. ;> )


  4. Cece Stuart says:

    Dobson needs to be Sponge-slapped *scowl*
    Then he needs to get a life and stop persecuting childrne’s cartoons. Reality TV has so much more fodder for his cause….

    *shaking head*


  5. Anonymous says:

    I find all the hand-wringing about homosexuality by the Capital-C “Christians” very interesting, especially since the Bible is *full* of exhortations against adultery. That doesn’t seem to stop many prominent evangelical preachers from having a bit on the side, does it? But let a sponge hold hands with a starfish (both asexual creatures, as I recall) and it’s Bikini Bottom and Gomorrah!!


  6. CaliforniaDreamer says:

    The reason Hyper-Preachers like Dobson, falwell – et al. continue to spew this nonsense is because it sells!

    They make their living and derive thier power from having a large following to make donations to their “ministry”.

    Priest-craft always ends up perverting doctrine to suit its own purposes: Money, power and influence. And in the case of Falwell, self loathing due to his own issues of same sex attraction.

    Although, less than perfect, lay clergy helps to protect doctrinal purity.


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