It was interesting to hear, through the ex-Mormon grapevine, that the LDS Temple ordinances underwent yet ANOTHER change in the last week. No more creepy annointing of genitals by old people. Woo hoo! Maybe now you’ll get me there (Note: not a chance in hell, compadre). (Another note: not a chance in hell they’d LET me in there. However, I know a few people who SNEAK in, just to find out what is going on. I am not one of these. I get cold chills just thinking about it. It isn’t that hard to sneak in. You just have to be a good liar. I am not. You might ask how they SNEAK in. Well, they go to the bishop, lie a bit, get a temple recommend, and walk through the doors. Sneaky, eh?)
If you really want to read about the whole anointing thing, I shall refer you to sources better than I. This is the best site I’ve seen explaining it.
So why the change? Well, a couple of reasons.
1. That whole anointing of the genitals thing was just plain creepy. We are not that kind of society. We don’t let strangers touch our genitals unless we are Kobe Bryant and figure pretty much everyone wants to touch our genitals.
(Note: That one time with all the wine, the cute out-of-towner, and the housesitting job CANNOT be figured in here….)
2. The Mormons want to be mainstream Christians. More than that, Gordon B. Hinckley wants to be the head of a mainstream Christian church. Wonder if this is true? Just read about his behavior during the Mark Hoffman/Salamander Case. If Gordo hadn’t been so worried about squirreling away the documents of the “occult,” from the Church’s past, Mark never would have sold his forgeries, or have killed people to keep it from discovery. If Gordo is REALLY a prophet, why didn’t he know it was all bullshit? Oh, yeah, right, that day, he was only a man. Later that evening he put his super-underoos back on and became a prophet. But while he was a man, he was also a man that knew that all was not right with the early Church. Oh well. Hide it away.
NOTE: There are lots of other clues that Gordo wants Mormonism mainstreamed. For example, the fact that God isn’t talking to him. Apparently, he makes his decisions based on impressions. Oh, don’t get me started again…. Well, come on, if you admit someone is talking to you, you’re kind of owning up to schizophrenia, right?
So, now that the whole genital touching thing is gone, will inactive Mormons head to the Temple in droves? Of course not. Why? For a couple of reasons (heh):
1. They think the whole temple thing is stupid, the Church doctrines silly, and the whole Joseph Smith story off-the-charts ridiculous.
2. Those garments are just plain UGLY. Even for fat people. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Give me Victoria’s Secret anyday. Sheesh.