You are going to put that oil WHERE?

It was interesting to hear, through the ex-Mormon grapevine, that the LDS Temple ordinances underwent yet ANOTHER change in the last week. No more creepy annointing of genitals by old people. Woo hoo! Maybe now you’ll get me there (Note: not a chance in hell, compadre). (Another note: not a chance in hell they’d LET me in there. However, I know a few people who SNEAK in, just to find out what is going on. I am not one of these. I get cold chills just thinking about it. It isn’t that hard to sneak in. You just have to be a good liar. I am not. You might ask how they SNEAK in. Well, they go to the bishop, lie a bit, get a temple recommend, and walk through the doors. Sneaky, eh?)

If you really want to read about the whole anointing thing, I shall refer you to sources better than I. This is the best site I’ve seen explaining it.

So why the change? Well, a couple of reasons.

1. That whole anointing of the genitals thing was just plain creepy. We are not that kind of society. We don’t let strangers touch our genitals unless we are Kobe Bryant and figure pretty much everyone wants to touch our genitals.

(Note: That one time with all the wine, the cute out-of-towner, and the housesitting job CANNOT be figured in here….)

2. The Mormons want to be mainstream Christians. More than that, Gordon B. Hinckley wants to be the head of a mainstream Christian church. Wonder if this is true? Just read about his behavior during the Mark Hoffman/Salamander Case. If Gordo hadn’t been so worried about squirreling away the documents of the “occult,” from the Church’s past, Mark never would have sold his forgeries, or have killed people to keep it from discovery. If Gordo is REALLY a prophet, why didn’t he know it was all bullshit? Oh, yeah, right, that day, he was only a man. Later that evening he put his super-underoos back on and became a prophet. But while he was a man, he was also a man that knew that all was not right with the early Church. Oh well. Hide it away.

NOTE: There are lots of other clues that Gordo wants Mormonism mainstreamed. For example, the fact that God isn’t talking to him. Apparently, he makes his decisions based on impressions. Oh, don’t get me started again…. Well, come on, if you admit someone is talking to you, you’re kind of owning up to schizophrenia, right?

So, now that the whole genital touching thing is gone, will inactive Mormons head to the Temple in droves? Of course not. Why? For a couple of reasons (heh):

1. They think the whole temple thing is stupid, the Church doctrines silly, and the whole Joseph Smith story off-the-charts ridiculous.

2. Those garments are just plain UGLY. Even for fat people. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Give me Victoria’s Secret anyday. Sheesh.

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About Natalie R. Collins

Natalie has more than 30 years writing, editing, proofreading and design experience. She has written 20 books (and counting), has worked for the Sundance Film Festival, and as an investigative journalist, editor, and proofreader. She embraces her gypsy-heart and is following her new free-thinking journey through life. Follow her as she starts over and learns a bunch of life's lessons--some the hard way.
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5 Responses to You are going to put that oil WHERE?

  1. Anonymous says:

    I must agree – my body is so much more gorgeous sleeping naked than in my “jesus jammies” —

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  2. Anonymous says:

    I have to say I have been through the temple and have never had my genitals annointed. Sorry to disappoint you all.

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  3. Anonymous says:

    You are so sadly misinformed…I too have been through many Mormon Temples throughout the world and have never had my genitals annointed, Nor has anyone I know…I am sure you got your great information from a reliable source (perhaps a anti Mormon?). Keep up the searching for answers perhaps some day the right answers will finally get through

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  4. You are so witty. Did you come up with all those jokes yourself. I’m not going to evev try to get into the genitals thing, but you know as well as I do, that you are full of crap. Yep, once it again its that stuff that superfluously flows out of your mouth more often than not. By the way, keep it up! You are making such a huge difference in how people feel about the Church

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  5. Elizabeth W says:

    Being an active mormon who has been going to the temple for the last decade, I have to also say that I have never been annointed on or near my genitals. That being said, I have found Utah to be a world unto its own. In this lifetime, I don’t think I will be able to deny that something happened in Utah that seems utterly incomprehensible elsewhere. It’s kind of like Las Vegas–“What happens in Utah, Stays in Utah”–and let’s hope it stays that way. Like Vegas, there are a lot of things I love about Utah, but I’m not blind to the inherent craziness there that has permeated many levels of society and thought.

    Like

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