Dear Ms. Collins,

Thanks for writing DIRECTV! I understand that you are concerned about the early cancellation fee that has been charged to the account. I appreciate you taking the time to let us know your mother’s health condition. Please allow me to assist you on this and provide helpful information.

Upon review of your account, I found that you activated your DIRECTV account on 9/18/2010, and agreed to a programming commitment of 24 months. In return, we make sure that you get your money’s worth with unbeatable combination of programming, service and technology at a great value. In addition, DIRECTV significantly discounts the price of equipment and installation, so we ask you to agree to a programming commitment effective when you accept and activate service.

Ms. Draney, we take great care to ensure that the terms  and conditions of our service, including  programming agreements and early  cancellation fees, are disclosed to each  customer prior to activating service. In addition to providing this information in  our advertising and point of sale materials, it is also included in the confirmation  letter sent by DIRECTV after you place an  order for equipment.

For your reference, I have attached a copy  of the confirmation letter that was emailed to you. To open the printable file, you’ll need Adobe Acrobat Reader which you can download from Adobe at www.adobe.com/reader.

Please understand that cancellation of an account before your agreement has ended, will result to an early cancellation fee. Due to this, we are unable to honor your request to waive the early cancellation fee. For more information on  programming agreements, please visit our  website at directv.com/agreements.

Thank you for providing us with the  opportunity to be of service to you, Ms. Collins. We  appreciate your patience and understanding.

Sincerely,

K.

DIRECTV Customer Service

Right about now you are probably going, “What the?” Yeah, me too. Please allow me to assist you? Assist my ass. They don’t want to assist anyone. And it’s all moot, because I did not WRITE them about MY service. I wrote them about my MOTHER and FATHER and the idiocy they were being forced to deal with. So I wrote them back with this:

K,

I am well aware of what I signed with you, and that you have no intention
of giving me the money you took out of my husband’s account.

It does NOT change the fact that DirecTV is ruining their name, very, very
quickly, and using this model (sales oriented, instead of customer and
market-oriented) you can expect to see more and more complaints and more
and more people leaving even though you attempt to tie them to you for life
with chains and contracts drawn in blood.

I am blogging this and it is going viral on my Facebook account. When you
did this to me, it was one thing. When you are trying to DO THIS TO MY
DYING MOTHER, it is completely different, and I won’t stop.

You can read about it here:

www.nataliercollins.com

So, then I got THIS response from a completely different person.

Dear Ms. Collins,

Thanks for writing back.

I understand your concern with regard to the early cancellation fee that was charged to your husband’s account. I am sorry to hear about your mother.

I just wanted to let you know that we received your email and I have forwarded it for special handling. A specialist will respond as soon as an agent is available (likely within 24 hours).  For immediate assistance, please call us at 1-800-531-5000.

At DIRECTV, we’re always working to find ways to provide solutions for our customers for each and every need.

Thanks again for writing. I understand this is important to you, Ms. Collins. We appreciate you bringing this to our attention.

Sincerely,

A.
DIRECTV Customer Service

Of course, I have not actually heard back from ANYONE since I got this placating, we-are-going-to-do-nothing-and-pretend-we-care response.

Why do they even bother? They should just wipe out this entire department, the one they must jokingly call “customer service.” I can see all the execs sitting around using their fingers to denote air quotes whenever they discuss this department.

DirecTV does not offer customer service, and never will. When I was trying to cancel MY service, they offered me Showtime free for six months, and ten dollars off a month. I said, “Why don’t you just add all that up and put the credit on my account?” Yeah, they weren’t doing that. Even though the math made sense.

They are MAKING a ton of money, but I do not look for this to last, because there are so many unhappy customers that sooner or later this policy is going to BITE THEM IN THE PROVERBIAL ass.

DirecTV’s policies are neither moral or ethical, and anyone with half a brain can see this. It is time for someone to stand up to them.

This business is called DirecTV. You may have heard of it. Well, let me tell you, if you are confronted by this evil manifestation of Satan, RUN. FLEE. Say a prayer, do some Hail Marys and go buy a Rosary. Because if you think Linda Blair spitting pea soup was evil, you ain’t seen NOTHING yet.

I had my own run in with DirecTV, when I tried to terminate our contract early because we were moving DOWN TO SOUTHERN UTAH to help care for my parents. Yeah, no matter that I had cable provided where I was. They were NOT letting me out of my contract. They offered me Showtime for six months, and $10 off a month, which any moron (even one who is math-challenged like me) can figure out would be about $200 worth of service, so I told them to credit that to my account and we would call it good. No such luck.

At any rate, Satan finally took an auto-payment out of MY HUSBAND’S account because I had used it ONCE to pay them.

After hours and hours on the phone, I finally gave up.

Well, Satan, AKA DIRECTV, has struck again.

The WORST CUSTOMER SERVICE IN THE WORLD award goes to DirecTV!! This is the most ridiculous company with the most ridiculous customer service policy I have EVER run across. They have outdone themselves this time.

They will NOT release my parents from their two-year commitment, even though they have SOLD the house where they had the DirecTV, because they HAD to move.

My mother is dying of pulmonary fibrosis. She is on oxygen 24/7. We don’t really like to say, “My mother is dying,” because it’s not really a pleasant thing to say or think about, but it’s reality. A year ago, a doctor told her she could die any day, and she would extend her life greatly if she moved to sea level. She compromised, by moving to southern Utah. And she does better here. However, she has NO NEED FOR DIRECTV, because the little house where they live has cable provided by the homeowners association.

They have been fighting with DirecTV for the past two weeks. The house is sold. It is empty and waiting for the new residents, who hopefully will be smart enough NOT to sign up with DirecTV. But this immoral and unethical company will NOT release them from the early contract termination fee of $250.

Never mind that my mother is dying and my dad has Parkinson’s.

Never MIND that they sold the house, and no longer live there, and have cable provided down here. The dumbass woman my dad spoke to today actually told him that he should get it hooked up DOWN HERE, even though they HAVE CABLE. Did I mention they HAVE CABLE ALREADY, including in their HOMEOWNER’S FEE? I don’t ever remember hearing or reading that you can never have too much cable television. They only HAVE one television. Why would they need TWO cable providers? He was shaking so bad at the end of the conversation (which lasted half the day, or two hours. Whichever came first.) that he shook his entire chair. Parkinson’s is a beast. It makes it hard to control your body, and when you are upset, it is even harder.

I guess my dad thought he might make more headway than my mom, who had called them twice before. ALL WITH THE SAME RESULT.

When my mom called a few days ago, another two + hour conversation, the poor kid reading the script on the other end of the phone had to take a break and compose himself when she asked, “So, how are you going to collect this when I die? Because I was told a year ago that I could die tomorrow.” He had no answer. But stuck to the script and still WILL NOT LET THEM OUT OF THE CONTRACT.

What is WRONG with this picture?

Where is the moral and ethical concern for the customer? At DirecTV, there ISN’T one. It’s ALL ABOUT THE MONEY. And you will pay them, even if you are paying them from the grave.

My mother even asked if he was going to come dig up her grave to get his money. (I think that’s when he had to take the break.)

And I don’t really blame the kid. He’s just doing a job, and reading a script, and they are NOT allowed to deviate from the script. And asking for a supervisor does NOTHING. I mean nothing.

So, I shall make sure the world knows that this is a company run by Satan, AKA the Adversary. Say your prayers, people, especially if you see the damn DirecTV van in your neighborhood. They probably run over puppies on purpose and smash mailboxes and laugh. (My apologies to the DirecTV employees who I am quite sure do nothing of the sort. Even though their evil bosses probably WANT them to do it.)

I laugh at the customer service link on their Website. Customer service my ass.

This, my friends, is war.

Nonetheless, people continue to try.

The latest elbow-to-tongue display comes from someone I knew growing up. Someone who is currently receiving a PAYCHECK from CES (Church Educational System), and frighteningly enough, is responsible for teaching young Mormons about their religion.

From him (we’ll call him Lance, because that’s his name), I have learned this:

“God is inherently racist” as illustrated in the Bible, but that he (Lance, not God) was never personally taught any racist beliefs growing up Mormon. Really. Is that not an oxymoron? He also says that African Americans should be lucky God decided to let them have the “fullness” of the gospel.

Now, I was raised in the same era, culture, church, and even WARD as Lance, so I know this to be a blatant lie. The mark of Cain, or the curse of the flat nose, was a very common belief. We didn’t really worry about the African American people not being able to have the priesthood, because there WEREN’T any around to have it. We had one “black” family in our school. ONE.

The definition of racism is, according to Merriam Webster:

: a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

Lance claims that God is inherently racist, and that’s why the rest of us are playing along. (Not that all of us are playing along, because I figured a long time ago that the Bible was about as literal as Paris Hilton’s morals.)

I have to admit, this claim surprises me. It’s a “Well, that’s what God said, so I guess we better do it. Jake, you get that there rattlesnake and shake him around a bit” kind of religious philosophy that I find simplistic and not even slightly charming.

And it’s one that Mitt Romney is going to face as he attempts to gain the Republican presidential nomination. People like Lance are not going to be helpful to the Romney campaign. In fact, he might even send them letters asking them to shut up, because THEY ARE NOT HELPING. The black/African American vote has become a very important force to be reckoned with, because GUESS WHAT? We wised up a few years back and finally let them HAVE the right to vote. Along with the women. I bet people like Lance are pretty sorry about that now.

Nonetheless, it happened, and so we move forward.

Mitt Romney has a basket-full of rattlesnakes headed his way. He’s a brave man, because there are some pretty dark days in the Mormon history books, and no matter HOW you rewrite them, it all boils down to the fact that when man can’t explain something, he blames God. One day God is going to get all these people blaming him in a row, and send them to live in Siberia because they said and did so many stupid things using his name.

God is inherently racist. There are hardly words. Just a word of caution, Mitt. Avoid the guy coming toward you with the rattling basket….

Glen’s comment is below my response, in its entirety.

Dear Glen,

Thanks for coming to visit my blog, but I must note that you obviously are lacking in simple human relationship skills. For example, you do not do your research, and read the blog to see what it is really about. You comment on a very old post, and instead of offering insight, you give us the simplistic and moronic kneejerk reaction of attacking the person WRITING the post, even when you cannot possibly know anything about this person. For example, you said of me:

I regret the author’s personal problems and distance from the church, but would like to affirm “white” or “pure” the physics spectrum of all colors (white) and no color (black) is science, not theology.

I also regret your lack of stature and, uh, obvious problem in the manhood area. Feel offended? You should. How does it feel? Because this is what you just did to me. It’s common, stupid, and makes absolutely no sense. Why do you not address the posts, instead of immediately attacking me with a comment on my obvious “personal problems?” You don’t know me from Adam. You just WANT me to have personal problems because then you will feel validated.

I do not claim to NOT have personal programs. I’m pretty damn sure you have some as well, because if there is one thing I have learned in this life it is that no one gets through it unscathed.

When one cannot defend the reasoning behind a choice or policy or church tenet, then they resort to personal attacks. I have seen it many times, and you are no different. ADDRESS the issue. And don’t spout your silly crap.

If you have a book that is THE MOST CORRECT BOOK ON EARTH, then it does not change to “communicate better.” It was already THE MOST CORRECT. How do you make something MORE correct than THE MOST correct? You can’t.

Joseph Smith said:

I told the brethren that the Book of Mormon was the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book.

So when you change it, why is this necessary? And since Spencer W. Kimball said QUITE SPECIFICALLY that the children from Native American homes were WHITER than their brothers and sisters who stayed on the reservation, you also cannot claim the word has been changed and ALWAYS meant pure. It did not.

“I saw a striking contrast in the progress of the Indian people today as against that of only fifteen years ago. Truly the scales of darkness are falling from their eyes, and they are fast becoming a white and delightsome people….

The day of the Lamanites is nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised. In this picture of the twenty Lamanite missionaries, fifteen of the twenty were as light as Anglos;…The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation.

At one meeting a father and mother and their sixteen-year-old daughter were present, the little member girl…was several shades lighter than her parents…There was the doctor in a Utah city who for two years had had an Indian boy in his home who stated that he was some shades lighter than the younger brother just coming into the program from the reservation. These young members of the Church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness. One white elder jokingly said that he and his companion were donating blood regularly to the hospital in the hope that the process might be accelerated.

The day of the Lamanites has come….today the dark clouds are dissipating.” (Spencer W. Kimball, Improvement Era, December 1960. pages 922-23)

This quote makes it ENTIRELY clear just exactly what “white” was meant to signify in the Book of Mormon. Mormon Prophet Spencer W. Kimball specifically cited the SKIN COLOR of the Native children who were being raised in Mormon homes. There was even a joke that the missionaries donated blood so the “Lamanites” would get WHITER faster. Please, by all means, explain that one away. You can’t.

Other points:

1. The Church courts are NOT courts of love. They are courts of men making decisions about people lives, and most of the time they are not even remotely qualified to do so. NO TRAINING. Many, many mistakes are made. Would these men not benefit from some training in dealing with spousal abuse, child abuse and sexual molestation, gambling addiction, drug and alcohol addiction, and more? I feel for bishops, as they try to navigate a very difficult job with nothing but a wing and prayer. Why not give them the tools they need? This is where “no paid clergy” works in a negative manner.

2. I would suspect from your comments that you know absolutely nothing about George P. Lee, or his “eternal” state. He was nothing more than a token to the LDS hierarchy. And when he fell, he fell hard. Where are the Native American apostles now? Where are the African-American leaders? Why is there nothing but OLD WHITE MEN leading this church? How do you walk away from racism and pretend you don’t see it? If someone robs a bank, and you drive the getaway car, you are GUILTY of a crime. If you see injustice, and turn away from it and try to justify it, you are just as guilty as those committing the injustice.

3. The stupidest thing you say is that I am editing history. Uh, yeah? Not even close. The LDS Church official biography of Brigham Young writes only of one wife. Anyone with a quarter of a brain knows this is a complete and utter fabrication. They have always excommunicated and disciplined people who have dared to write the TRUTH about the early, violent beginnings of the LDS Church. There are three different versions of the “First Vision.” Only one is on the Website, and the others are NEVER addressed. Missionaries are taught to give the “milk before the meat,” because there is lots in Mormon history that is VERY hard to swallow.

4. The LDS Church is a patriarchal white boys club. You show me ONE LEADER at the very top who is not rich, white, and fairly old. Just one. (And I don’t suggest you use the age one. That would just be dumb.)

So, Glen, I must surmise that you must be dizzy a lot. Stop trying to make it about me, and address the issue. When you have a real, valid argument, and not a personal attack and attempt to use the “look at you” method of drawing attention away from your church’s inadequacies, please, be all means, state it here.

In the meantime I would like to say that some of the most amazing and wonderful people I know are Mormon. This is not about the people. I greatly admire the “service” ethic of the church, and how they are teaching their young people to care for those less fortunate. I admire people with a genuine desire to live their lives in the most positive and upbeat and ethical way possible, and use the tenets of the LDS Church to do so.

I do NOT respect people who cannot be honest, and you have not shown one iota of honesty. Care to fix that? I don’t care if you have personal problems. Let’s have a conversation about the facts, shall we?

Below is Glen’s complete comment, unedited and in it’s full glory.

I regret the author’s personal problems and distance from the church, but would like to affirm “white” or “pure” the physics spectrum of all colors (white) and no color (black) is science, not theology. ” Pure” is an improvement in communication because that is what the term meant when written and does now. A very silly pick at a corpse of long ago. If exercising editing license and changing past versions then read through the case law libraries and see just how many decisions have been truly “doctored” not made “pure”.

The church doesn’t publish private information about members nor haul them before the people to disgrace them. I will not here. The church courts/discipline counsels are conducted with the deepest respect for a troubled member to help be better and get through their problems. They are councils of love. Some require excommunication for the member to repent, some dis-fellowship and some nothing but a commitment never to do it again.

I am confident that Elder Lee repented, that he is in a better place and we should all look for something better to do than use his corpse to pick at, further anger and animosity about a group of people either they so badly want to join or rejoin or truly lost all sense of decency to “kick against the pricks and fight against God”.

As C.S. Lewis said:

“ It is not for us to say who, in the deepest sense, is or is not close to the spirit of Christ. We do not see into men’s hearts. We cannot judge, and indeed are forbidden to judge. It would be wicked arrogance for us to say any man is, or is not, a Christian in this refined sense.”

Of course, now you can go find twelve million references about how C.S. Lewis was “NO CHRISTIAN,” probably half linked to the Westboro Haters Club.  (Don’t quote me. I didn’t check it.)

But truly, who DOES get to decide the definition of Christianity?  The Catholics don’t agree with the Baptists, who don’t agree with the Protestants, who don’t agree with the Presbysterians. Pretty much nobody agrees with the idiots at Westboro. And here we have your two top candidates:

MittMo Romney, an extremely wealthy stand up guy, completely out of touch with anyone who doesn’t have a gazillion dollars.

vs.

NuttyNewt Gingrich, a man for whom morals, ethics, and compassion are no problem. He just doesn’t have ‘em, so they ain’t a problem.

At least Romney is riding in there on his white horse, followed by Newt on his jackass. Not much competition.

And the concerns that people spout, about whether or not the LDS Church will affect Mitt’s decisions, well, I will say, “Yes, it will.” But will they RUN him? I don’t think so. First of all, he has a very divisive congress to keep him in check (just ask President Obama, who can get NOTHING through because they start screaming before they’ve even seen the papers). Second, he does have ethics and morals. To make a decision based on what the LDS hierarchy wants would be both immoral and unethical. As president, he would not be representing the Mormon Church, a decidedly small fragment of our population. He would be representing his country.

And let’s face it, despite the history of the LDS Church, they have become quite mainstreamed. Do I think Mitt would be the ideal president? No. But that shouldn’t surprise anyone.

The racist past of the Mormon Church alone should be enough to disqualify him for this most important office.

And where are all the tea party enthusiasts ragging about seeing his birth certificate?  He was born in Mexico. 

Uh, I mean Michigan. That’s like Mexico, right? Heh. Kidding. Thanks EBrown, for helping me do my homework.

Still, you have to admit the man would look good on a white horse.

Curious about the White Horse Prophecy? Check it out.  Fascinate reading.

Anyone got a pair of chaps Mitt can borrow? (No Jesus Jammies, please.)

The upside is that after I go through this Prednisone burst, I do fairly well for a few months. The vertigo is lessened, and I don’t look like a mad drunk woman all the time. I mean, seriously? If I’m going to wobble around like I’ve had a pitcher of margaritas by MYSELF, at least I could enjoy it.

This I do not enjoy.

However, one only has to look to the right or to the left to find someone who is going through something worse. Yes, the world spins for me on a regular basis, and every time I get an infection it’s a MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus), but hey, it could be worse. People pay money to spin. Look how popular Disneyland is. Come on over to my house, and I’ll show you spinning. A few months ago I tried to stand off the bed to turn off our fan, because yes, I AM THAT SHORT, and it didn’t go well. Dizzy people should not stand on objects that move beneath them. Okay, fine the bed wasn’t moving, but it FELT LIKE IT.

Birdman likes to take credit for that part, but not the part that came after. You know, the one where I fell off the bed (silly monkey, no more jumping on the bed) and practically broke my head.

At any rate, this will not kill me. At least not yet. There is a test that sounds something like Muggles, that comes back wonky every time they do it. It is a cancer test. Bone marrow. So now I get to have it done every year, and every six months if the whatever-they-are increase.

Monitoring that is not all that fun. But it could be worse. My brother-in-law just had his stomach removed. Yes, they do that when someone has stomach cancer. And you can live without a stomach. They believe they got it all, and all his lymph nodes came back clean, but because stomach (gastric) cancer is so aggressive, they are putting him on a rather nasty dose of chemo. Life for them will not be so great for a while.

So me? I’ll take my own private Disneyland. And excuse me, will you pass the salt so I can eat this paper plate? When’s dinner? I’m starving…

We all know about the marines who urinated on the corpses. We’ve seen the video. We are all appalled, and dammit, we wish someone had taught them better.

But wait. Maybe we did. THIS IS WAR, people. This isn’t your nice little senate seat, in your nice little oval office, with your nice, cute, young little administrative assistant. This is not high school. Acne and beastly children who bully are NOT the worst these marines will endure. Most of these kids probably had great parents, who taught them right from wrong. Some of them may have come from broken families, with no real strong, positive male role model. Some of them might have come from unfortunate circumstances, and joined the military as a way to pay for college, because there was no other way to do it. Some of them were hopelessly indoctrinated from boot camp.

We don’t know.

What we do know is this: they fucked up. Big time. Ever made a mistake? Aren’t you glad you weren’t videotaped doing it?

There are people shooting at these guys almost every day. They WATCH their buddies be blown to bits. They are pumped full of “the cause” they are fighting for, and we forget that they are HUMAN. That “the cause” is not even our cause; the war not our war. Not everybody is a politician, and remembers to ensure the videotape and the camera is turned off when we make mistakes.

The people they went there to “free” do not like them. That’s always a warm and fuzzy feeling, isn’t it? They KNOW what Osama Bin Laden did. They know what the Taliban did and still does.

They never KNOW what is going to blow up, literally, in their faces tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Did you sit around your warm fire this year, and celebrate Christmas. They didn’t. They were AT WAR. A war that does not belong to us. But we have convinced them it does, and so they fight for “us.” They willingly put their lives on the line every day, and they are JUST KIDS, most of them.

You know, as well as I do, that young boys mature later. Did they make a HUGE mistake.? Damn straight. Is it appalling? Why yes it is. Should they be punished? Absolutely. But let the punishment fit the crime. Who is their leader, and where was he/she? (I know it’s a he. Just had to throw that in there.)

As for Allen West, he put it into perspective for all of us, as a former member of the armed services. And HUFF POST? You owe him a HUGE apology. You took his entire email out of context, and did not publish the most important parts of it. I have never boycotted a news zine in my life, but I might start now.

Please, protect your journalistic integrity. Get rid of this “unsigned” piece that is far from unbiased.

Rectify this situation.

Here is what Rep. Allen West, R-Fl, did say:

Not useful?

Okay, here’s some real advice.

SHOULD YOU SELF PUBLISH?

Well, maybe. It depends on why you are doing it, and what you are willing to do with that self-published book.

1. Do you understand the mechanics of writing a novel? Do the terms “info dump, character development, show vs. tell, etc.,” mean anything at all to you?

(If you answered no, you should not self publish. If you answered yes, read on.)

2. Are you aware that even editors need editors, and that even if your sister told you that you wrote a really good story, this does not mean you wrote a really good story, fit for eyes other than your biased family members?

(If you answered no, please do not self publish. If you answered yes, read on.)

3. Are you willing to pay an editor, or trade an editor, or at the very least, join a crit group and make sure you submit it chapter by chapter so you find errors and inconsistencies?

(If you answered no, please do not self publish. If you answered yes, read on.)

4. Are you working with a graphic designer?

(If you answered no, please continue to read below.)

5. Do you have at least a base knowledge of graphic design, so you can have a professional, well designed and attractive cover that works for the e-industry? If you are not working with a graphic designer, because you think you can do it yourself, do you understand pixels; know what PPI means; understand the difference between 72 and 300 PPI; have basic knowledge of Photoshop, Gimp, or some other advanced photo design program?

(If you answered no, do not self-publish. If you said yes, read on.)

6. Do you understand book sizes, book trim, fonts, formatting, layout, how to properly format a book for all the different e-publishing formats? (This is for your interior book, not the cover.)

(If you answered no, do not self-publish.)

7. Are you aware of how much disdain is now being heaped upon “self-published authors” because SOME self published authors don’t give a rat’s ass whether or not they are putting out a quality product?

(If you answered yes, and don’t care, PLEASE DO NOT SELF PUBLISH!)

In short, should you self publish? If you have a quality project, well-written, edited and formatted, with a simple but tasteful or advanced attractive book cover, yes. Why not? The world is your oyster. What a great time it is to be an author.

But if you just want to toss your crap out there, there are other places for that. They are called garbage cans or recycle bins.

If you would like to address any of these questions further, please feel free to put your questions in comments.

Other things to consider:

One of the things “they” apparently are advising authors to do, in terms of marketing, is to go onto Facebook, befriend hundreds and thousands of other authors, and when they accept your friendship, post a link on their wall. PEOPLE, this is bad form. Would you come in to my house and slap a poster on the wall without my permission? You would? Please do not come to my house.  Or friend request me on Facebook.

Marketing a self-published book is hard. Nevertheless, just bombarding people with your crap is NOT one of the ways to do this. Basic rules of etiquette still exist. Here is a list of things you should NOT do.

1. Do not befriend people on FB and then immediately spam their wall. Yes, a link to your book or Website IS spam. If they want to recommend your book on their wall, please let them do it. So how do you get them to notice your book? Well, AFTER you have become their friend, you are welcome to post a few status updates about your book. Then they could come to your wall and see if they are interested.

2. Do not use one of those sites that put your picture on a billboard, in Times Square, etc., etc., and put pictures of your book in every possible situation, and pretend your book really DID appear in all those places, and on Oprah, to boot. Get real. Be honest.

3. BE REAL. Post funny links. Blog regularly. Give people a reason to come to you. Blitz marketing is not going to work. It’s been tried. If you can find a way for things to go viral, that’s awesome. But bugging people does not work.

4. Don’t ask everyone you meet if they will review your book. And if you are going to request a review, PLEASE make sure you can write a properly constructed sentence, and query letter, let alone a book.

IN FACT, LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR. If you cannot write a sentence, what on earth makes you think you can write a book?

Just some self-publishing food for thought.

1. I will not ever be president of our country because the skeletons in my closet include YEARS of stealing pens. Banks, stores, people’s houses… You name it, if you put a pen out, you can almost guarantee I will steal it. And the saddest thing is, it is ENTIRELY unintentional. I have plenty of pens. Probably hordes of them. I just can’t let one go. It’s like a magnet to my hand. Dear Barnes Bank, I am sorry about all the stolen pens. But since you closed down after some pretty shady dealings, I guess I don’t feel too bad. Kinda.

2. I’ve never been fired from a job, but there was this one time when this total a$$hole was working for me, and he got pissed because I told the boss of the store that his feelings for the total a$$hole’s girlfriend were inappropriate. So I quit, because the store manager supported my employee who said I shouldn’t get involved. Maybe so. I’ll never know, but it could have gone so many ways. Even out the door. Oh wait, it did. (P.S., the a$$hole and the girlfriend broke up, and the store manager quit.)

3. One time, when I was working for The Trib, the lead copy editor caught me behind the coffee machine and kissed me. ICK. I was 19 and he was 60+. So I told my boss, they reprimanded him, and he retired. Not like nowadays, but could someone turn that into a cigar and a closet? I sure hope not. ICK.

4. I think all politicians are unethical, power-hungry, and basically morons. I think that’s an automatic disqualify.

5.  I worked for the Trib when they wanted a “copy clerk,” and would call out “buuuuuuooooooooouuuuuuuyyy.” Usually, when there was two of us girls working, we would ignore them as long as possible. After all, why would we answer to boy? I suppose that could be called insubordination.

6. I was born in Logan, Utah, which is pretty close to the moon, according to my late friend Ed McBain. I was so honored to get to know him so well, and have to agree. One might argue whether or not Utah is “in the country.” Birth certificate or not, I might get questioned.

7. There’s never been a woman president, and based on the complete SHIT that the first African American president is getting, I don’t want to play. It doesn’t mean that much to me. Plus I don’t know how to fix this HUGE mess our country is in. And I don’t want to try.

8. I’m good at spelling and grammar. Recession and depression and success all involve MATH. Math is of the devil. It’s why all politicians are evil. They have to do math. It warps their brain.

That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure I’ll come up with more. Happy New Year!!