So, I heard through many different sources that meditation will help you deal with stress, which in turn will help you to be healthier, because we all know stress sucks. The lady on the Internet said to think of a word and use it as your mantra, so I picked baby elephants, which technically is two words but if you say them really fast no one will know.

I had the mat, dressed comfortably, and tried to get one leg on top of the other, like they show in the instructions and videos. Now I might have been able to pull this off at say, even 29, but 51? That leg is not going on top of that other leg. Neither leg likes it. They started having a leg war all on their own and I had to yell stop to get them to stop fighting. NOT. Peaceful. Not conducive to good health.

I conceded and just crossed my legs. I put my hands in the proper position, fingers closed and hands facing upward and quickly checked the clock. 10:00 a.m. I could so do this.

Eyes close. Begin the mantra chant.

“Ohhhhhhmmmmm,errrrrr,babyelephants, babyelephants, babyelephants, I wonder why we can’t have baby elephants in our town. they have everything else. We should try to repeal that law and Aughhh babyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephants I bet #Ellen has baby elephants in her backyard. And I bet Santa Barbara isn’t zoned for elephants but I bet they let her keep them because she’s Ellen and….I mean babyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephants.”

eyes open slightly to see clock. 10:02. Dismal.


eyes open to see it is still 10:02. The clock must be broken! Did it need batteries? I bet #Ellen had batteries. She probably had a whole pantry full of batteries and nothing ever ran down and started beeping in the night, forcing us up to sweep the house ninja style with a flashlight, looking for flashing red lights that synced with the extremely loud beeping If we had batteries like #Ellen–well, this would not solve the problem because we would still not know where the blasted one was that was going off, so we were doomed to eternal random BEEEEEP BEEEPPPPS when you least expected it, like when you were supposed to be med   i    t a  t   i   n    g. Oh yeah. “Babyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephansbabyelephants”

eyes open to check the clock. Just a peek. 10:04?? That Internet lady must have been wrong, because this was not working. “Close eyes and chant. Babyelephantsbabyelephantsbabyelephants”

No, I was not looking at the clock. There is something on the wall. It’s black. It’s a spider. A SPIDER. A SPIDER!!! I cannot close my eyes now, because everyone knows in the spider rules if you close your eyes and do not watch the spider closely, the spider will disappear and you have to stay awake the rest of your life because you don’t know where the spider went. It is not good to not know where the spider went. The only other alternative is fumigation, and that stinks, so keep your eye on the spider and yell for help. “Spi….Oh wait. I think that’s a nail. It is a nail. Why don’t we have something hanging on that nail? We need to decorate, except I haven’t decided what I want everywhere and I don’t have the money to buy what I want anyway, so that’s why I just had a spider panic attack.”

Hey, look, now it’s 10:05. Spider attacks that weren’t spiders were good for a minute. A lousy minute? Last time we found something creepy in a house it was a large scorpion in my dad’s place. I hope we don’t have scorpions. FOCUS.


This is boring. I need a new meditation word. I know. “#EllenEllenellenellenellenellenlelllll. Yeah, that’s not working. Do you think Ellen uses her own name as a mantra? Probably. And she probably has a staff of people that do her chanting for her. Or live music. MUSIC. I need music.”

I grab my iPhone. Earplugs in, ready to go. “CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HELP.” Help. Have gone deaf. Should not leave Linkin Park blasting when seeking peace and enlightenment and trying to de-stress. Crawling makes me itchy. Need some lotion. I bet #ellen has lotion. I bet she has a WHOLE ROOM of lotion.”

clock says 10:10. I give up.

My mind will NOT shut off just because I close my eyes. I can have a party planned and a movie written in just two hours time. I need an off switch. I bet #Ellen has an off switch.

Will search out information about yoga, thinking if I do that first I will be in the proper state of mind for meditation. NOT. A. GOOD. PLAN.

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“Just don’t talk…. listen.”

32d117fda7d456357036695567047ad1I read on the Internet that meditation is really good for you, especially as you make lifestyle changes and try to seek out peace. My soul is like constantly trying to mediate the war going on in my body, and the problem is nobody is listening.

I adopted, for myself, the term SHUT UP AND LISTEN. Of course, I realized that is not really a nice weird. I have a friend named Carlene whose youngest child was pretty much kidnapped everyday and raised by a troupe of adrenaline junkies who did base jumping and sky diving and rock climbing, when his mom thought was going to preschool.

So now you know, Carlene. You thought we were dropping him off for preschool but he went in the front door and out the back to join his homeboy crazies.

He went to preschool at the same school my daughter’s attending, so I often gave him a ride. One day, he was sitting in the back, and I was at a red light. It changed, as lights do, and from the back seat I hear this little voice say, “The light’s green weenie.”

WEENIE? Did that 3-year-old child just call me a WEENIE? So I asked, “Did you just call me a weenie?” And he said, “Just don’t talk.”

I gave Carissa the look that said, “What on earth is happening here?” and she said, “Walker is not allowed to use the words, ‘shut up,’ since they are his two favorite words next to ‘kill’ and ‘make-me-a-sandwich-woman-or-I will-cut-you.’”

I’m not sure I have ever been called a weenie before, both pre- and post Carlene’s kid.

I guess there’s a first time for everything.

So, my new mantra is “Just don’t talk and listen.” thanks W. Man.

#donttalklisten #smartkids #shutupbadword #prettysmartkid #thingskidssay #weenie #hecalledmeaweenie?

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patiently awaiting promotion and for things to get better.

patiently awaiting promotion and for things to get better..

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I hate it

I hate it when I am writing poetry and it accidentally rhymes. I know. I’m a rebel like that.

#poetry #rhymingpoetry #nataliehates #accidents

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This kid. And Ellen.

This kid. And Ellen.


#thiskid #ellen #amazing #nuffsaid

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Mews: Poppy the world’s oldest cat dies at the age of 24

Natalie R. Collins:

Marc likes cats. I like cat videos. We have something in common.

Originally posted on Katzenworld:

So while reading one of our local newspapers today we found these rather sad but yet interesting news.

Apparently poppy who lived in Bournemouth – UK passed away just weeks after she received the honour by the Guinnes World Records of being the worlds oldest living cat at the age of 24!

Poppy was submitted to the “Oldest Cat Currently Living” category in February 2014 and was officially awared her world title on the 19th of may just 23 days before her death. :(

The full story can be found on the Bournemouth Echo news site by clicking here.

From all of us @Katzenworld Blog our thoughts are with her family! <3

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This man

Dudes. Word.

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Cats and Upworthy

I discovered I can spend as much time on as I can searching out videos of cats on Cool. No. I am not avoiding that book. Why do you ask?

By the way, I do not have a cat. They are like teenage girls. Sneaky.

#UpWorthy #cats #Youtube

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Are we Harriet? Not in Iceland….

Harriet, a 10-year-old girl born in Iceland, cannot leave. Her passport was denied because her name, Harriet, was not approved by some council or another. You have to have NAMES approved? Do you realize how awesome this law is? No more Northwest issues…

#harriet #ornoHarriet #notinIceland #trynorthwest #no?

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Is that a message in your pocket, or are you just happy to see T-Mobile?

Why yes, T-Mobile users, your wireless phone carrier is STEALING from you, straight out of your pocket.

#TMOBILETHIEVES #checkyourbill #justasmallsurcharge #herewegoagain

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